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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Convalescence costly for fan of news, pie

I got my left knee scoped last week, which explains why my column was more absent than appreciative reviews for the movie “Amelia.”

Scoping is a very common procedure for athletes. Mine, for example, was to surgically remove some torn cartilage that occurred from years and years of sprinting into the kitchen for pie.

Prior to surgery, however, I had to disrobe and put on a backless gown that made me feel like Vera Wang. Then I was pricked. And I mean that in a scientific phlebotomy way, not in a smutty East Sprague Avenue way.

My blood pressure was taken. The readings came out slightly higher than the pressure outside a nuclear submarine cruising deep underneath a polar ice cap.

Fortunately, it was determined that my stratospheric numbers were due to me being a big cowardly baby and not a man about to explode like a Joe Shogan temper tantrum.

Soon I was wheeled into an operating room. A chatty anesthesiologist told me he’d put something into my IV line.

To which I …

(BLACK)

… woke up an hour later with the growing sensation that my left knee had been violated with a jackhammer.

Eventually I was allowed to go home after proving to a nurse that I could eat a piece of toast.

Isn’t modern health care amazing?

Anyway, the good news is that I am on the mend and will soon be back to getting my own pie.

But I do feel bad about all the great news stories that I couldn’t write about while I was whacked out on pain meds and more delusional than usual. Stories such as:

•November election results have political insiders predicting a major political “shift” in the Spokane City Council.

No one, however, believes such a shift will in any way affect those sacred City Council traditions of incompetence, bickering and screwing the taxpayer in every conceivable way.

•A team of veterinarians and volunteers at Washington State University proudly released a mended peregrine falcon back into the wild.

In typical Wazzu fashion, the bird was intercepted shortly after flight and run back for an opposing touchdown.

•Scientists announced the shocking discovery of water on the moon.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the economy and The Spokesman-Review’s newsroom continue to dry up like Death Valley in July.

•Three men who last summer were seen in a truck decorated with swastikas and the words “born to kill” have been indicted by a Kootenai County grand jury on charges of threatening a Hispanic family in Coeur d’Alene.

“Born for a cell” is a more apt slogan for these Nazi morons.

•It could cost Spokane residents $5 more a month to flush our toilets if the 2010 budget proposed by Mayor Mary Verner goes through.

And Mayor Verner’s re-election chances may go down the crapper right along with all our pricier poo.

•Idaho Gov. Butch Otter is asking his fellow Idahoans to submit ideas on how the state can save money. Rendering the aforementioned Kootenai County Nazi morons into dog food tops my list.

•The Spokane Police Guild reached a tentative agreement with the city regarding police layoffs.

A guild representative later called a press conference to announce that there had been a slight misunderstanding. “Layoffs? We thought we were bargaining for more payoffs.”

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.