Sorry. I don’t see letting T-Baby out of the slammer on T-Day as such a bad thing.
I’m talking about Terrence A. “T-Baby” Kinard, of course.
Yeah, I know a lot of you are royally steamed that a soft-headed judge is allowing this career criminal to leave the Spokane County Jail so he can have Thanksgiving dinner with his family.
What could possibly go wrong?
Kinard, after all, is a professional drug dealer. He’s missed 75 court appearances. One of his numerous convictions was for escape.
T-Baby is presently ensconced in our Handcuff Hotel. He awaits sentencing for his latest cocaine conviction.
Does a loser like this deserve a Thanksgiving break?
On the other hand, think of the sheer entertainment value.
You know how boring a Thanksgiving family get-together can be: The stale jokes. The overcooked turkey. The cadaverous- looking bean casserole …
Here are my top reasons why I think it would be fun to share a Thanksgiving bird with a hardened jailbird.
•Gives everybody tough jailhouse nicknames like, “Killer,” “Butch” or “Martha Stewart.”
•Ever see someone carve a turkey with a sharpened toothbrush?
•Bows head and begins grace with, “You have the right to remain silent. …”
•Pounds table rhythmically with fork and spoon to speed up the mashed potato passing.
•Escapes with family to see “The Lion King” after guards doze into tryptophan stupor.
•Performs spirited “perp walk” during Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade commercials.
•Jovial hookers and tweaker pals drop by for dessert.
•Orange jumpsuit ties in splendidly with autumn-themed centerpiece.
•Boring stories from relatives no match for strip-search anecdotes.
•Yelling “Pass the white meat, you @$%&er!!” at mom is surefire laugh getter.
•Hand-sanitizer- and-cranberry punch recipe puts the thanks in Thanksgiving.
•Wait a second, that’s no wishbone!
•Claims he’s tasted better gravy on Cell Block 3.
•Asks for doggie bag to take back to jail – plus a hacksaw.
•What do you mean no more Oprah on TV? Take me, God. I don’t want to live anymore.
•Shows kiddies how to carve yam into Glock 9.
•Jingles handcuffs melodiously prior to making toast.
•Volunteers to perform cavity search on freshly baked bird.
•Confesses that “ ‘Shawshank Redemption’ always makes me weep.”
•Promises to bring Eddie Ray Hall home with him on Christmas jail furlough.
•Requests permission for conjugal visit with pumpkin pie.
•Crack-and-meth stuffing? Oh, boy!!!