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Doug Clark: Professor gets to meat of the matter

Well, snap my wishbone. It’s Thanksgiving again.

And time for the fourth annual visit from the one person who knows even more about strutting, empty-headed toms than Katie Holmes.

Welcome to Ask Professor Pilgrim.

Before the professor starts fielding your T-Day questions, he’s been asked to announce the following closures:

Schools, post offices, banks and Spokane’s last shred of hope for a science center.

Let’s get started.

Q. Professor Pilgrim, I’m thinking of cooking my turkey this year in one of those deep-fat fryers. Do you have any tips?

A. Yes. Fire insurance.

Q. I meant cooking tips.

A. Well, when the skin starts turning black and crispy, you’ll know it’s time.

Q. Time to eat?

A. Time to take your hand to a burn ward.

Q. Is Professor Pilgrim sharing Thanksgiving with family or friends this year?

A. Neither. I’m hosting a field trip of criminally insane patients from Eastern State Hospital.

Q. Why are they coming to your house?

A. The Spokane County Interstate Fair is over.

Q. Will they be bringing anything?

A. Phillip Paul’s bringing his sickle to decapitate the turkey.

Q. Some of my guests are vegetarians. Does Professor Pilgrim have any suggestions on what to serve them?

A. Stick with something bland and spineless.

Q. Like Tofurkey?

A. No, the Spokane police ombudsman.

Q. Have you learned anything by watching the Food Channel, Professor?

A. Yes. Never look at Paula Deen on a full stomach.

Q. What’s wrong, Professor Pilgrim?

A. Sorry. I’ve been in a deep state of depression ever since I heard about the major cancellation.

Q. You mean no more Oprah on TV?

A. No more Coke at Costco.

Q. Speaking of big news, did you hear that a chemical used in plastics has been found to cause erectile dysfunction?

A. I certainly did.

Q. Does these mean I should stop using my Tupperware?

A. No. But you should definitely stop using your inflatable girlfriend.

Q. Did you know that 58 percent of those who took a Dunkin’ Donuts survey said they planned to take a Thanksgiving Day nap?

A. Yes. But the real shocker was that it was a poll of on-duty cops.

Q. What do you think about that drug dealer who gets to leave the Spokane County Jail to have Thanksgiving dinner with his family?

A. No big deal. The judge said he has to hire two escorts to go with him.

Q. Will it be difficult finding escorts on Thanksgiving?

A. Not at all. Bambi and Shatiqua from East Sprague are always open for business.

Q. But those are hookers, Professor, not police officers.

A. Maybe so. But they do know how to use handcuffs.

Q. You’re a naughty man, Professor Pilgrim.

A. That’s what she said.

Q. Any last Thanksgiving words?

A. Stick a fork in me. Professor Pilgrim’s done.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman- Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or

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