Bluto’s cinematic counsel to Flounder – “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily” – has seen the American male through countless crises, to say nothing of an average semester at Washington State.
Now the latter is the former. Again.
A thrilling overtime victory over SMU and a hey-what-do- you-know-good-try against USC hinted that the football team was finally getting some purchase in its assault on Mount Respectability, only to have an Oregon avalanche send the Cougars careening back down to base camp.
If there is some consolation that the final scores have not been quite as ugly this fall, well, you were told by the head coach a year ago that the magnitude of defeat was not his concern, suggesting it shouldn’t be yours. What has been more discouraging are the partial scores: 14-0, 21-0, 35-0. Having winnowed the surrender out of his players, Paul Wulff has yet to get them to stop tiptoeing out of the tunnel. The Cougars have allowed 132 points in their five starts before getting on the scoreboard themselves.
The NCAA has enacted any number of measures to bring games to a quicker conclusion. It didn’t think of requiring everyone to schedule Wazzu.
Now it’s homecoming, and the Cougs would have better luck enticing old grads back to campus by telling them they have to retake the Beowulf seminar. In Middle English. And do a 30-page paper.
On the plus side, there is tailgating, and the chance to take that advice about drinking heavily. This is directed toward fans, of course; the team can’t afford to lose any more wide receivers to Unity Council justice.
For those of you not making the trip, be advised that there is no TV. But there is always Bob Robertson and Jim Walden on the radio, and to help you get in the Bluto spirit we’ve come up with some basic rules for the Bob-and-Jim Drinking Game – participation in which should have you lubed and primed for Dennis Patchin’s call-in show later on.
The concept is simple. Start with a full mug and …
•If Bob mentions a player’s hometown, take one drink.
•If he mentions his height and weight, take one drink.
•If he mentions his class, take one drink.
•If he mentions all three in the same sentence, two drinks.
•If Jim groans in the background during Bob’s play-by-play call, one drink.
•If he yells, “Look out!” in the background, one drink.
•If he says, “All right,” if the opponent fails on third down, one drink.
•If he cackles in the background, two drinks.
•If Bob mentions that Tony Thompson is wearing his dad’s old number, one drink.
•If Jim says, “If we keep that up, we’ll get beat 100-0,” one drink.
•If Bob sends it down to Bud Nameck on the field, one drink.
•If Bud’s report includes the news that a former Coug great is on the sidelines, one drink.
•If Bob reports a Cougar injury, one drink.
•If it’s to an offensive lineman, two drinks.
•If Bud updates that the injured player is done for the day, three drinks.
•If Bob mentions that Jeshua Anderson is a world-class hurdler … oh, wait, never mind.
•If Jim says the play was a “jailbreak screen,” one drink.
•If he says it was a “bubble screen,” one drink.
•If he says it was a “dump screen,” one drink.
•If mentions all three in the same sentence, finish your drink.
•If Bob mentions Nico Grasu’s field goal beat the Huskies in the Apple Cup, one drink.
•If Jim asks, “Do we have another kicker?” two drinks.
•If they make the punter the player of the game, one drink.
•If Jim says, “These officials have to get on the stick,” one drink.
•If he says, “Good job by the official there,” finish your drink.
•If Bob mentions how many true freshmen have seen action, one drink.
•If the number is in double figures, two drinks.
•If Jim says, “What Paul Wulff is putting out there is a junior varsity team,” three drinks.
•If Jim says, “We’re just kind of helpless against this team right now,” one drink.
•If Bob says, “An interesting stat – if there are any in the game,” turn off the radio.
•If the Cougs beat the spread, one drink.
•If the Cougs score first, finish your drink.
•If the Cougs win, turn yourself in to the Unity Council.