Adopted baby will be adjustment

Dear Mr. Dad: My spouse and I adopted a 14-month-old baby boy. What can I do as a working father to build and cement a strong bond, since we have missed the early stages?

A: The best thing you can do now is read everything you can about child development. You need to know what’s been going on so far, what’s reasonable to expect from a 14-month-old, and what’s not. (My book, “Fathering Your Toddler” is a good place to start.)

Don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself to “make up for lost time.” You can’t. But you can – and should – focus on the future.

It’s also very important that you not set your expectations too high. It’s tempting to get the baby’s room all set up and to imagine that you and your spouse will be able to start providing your child with a wonderful life (especially if he came from a less-than- wonderful environment).

And, of course, it’s natural to imagine that you’ll fall immediately in love with the baby and that he’ll fall in love with you. It’s extremely unlikely that will happen. Don’t forget to pay special attention to your relationship with your wife. Having a new baby can take a real toll.

There are some great resources for adoptive parents at Adoption Connection (adoptionconnection.org) and Adoption.org.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m divorced and have full custody of my daughter. I’ve been dating someone for about six months and we practically live together, but I don’t think she’s doing enough to help me out.

She says that this is her first real relationship and wants to take things slow. She never offers to help on her own – only does when I ask her to. Am I overreacting? I mean, she knew I had a daughter from the beginning and knows that my daughter is my world.

A: Becoming a stepmother is a huge step – especially for a woman who’s never had a real relationship before. I think that by taking it easy, she’s doing the right thing.

In nonstep relationships, your girlfriend would be your world. She wants – and needs – to have a solid relationship with you before she can feel confident in her role as stepmother.

She’s probably just trying to find her footing. She needs to know that you love her for herself and not because you’re looking for a mother for your child.

Keep your expectations reasonable. Do not expect that your daughter and girlfriend will love each other (or even like each other) right away. It may happen, but it might not. Ever.