Doug Clark: Where law meets disorder
Cpl. Clark will now address your cop, court and crime concerns.
Q: Hey, Cpl. Clark. Did you hear about the blue wristbands being offered to raise support and “out of pocket” expenses for Spokane police Officer Karl Thompson Jr.?
Cpl. Clark: I sure did. Thompson faces trial for his role in the beat-down arrest of poor Otto Zehm, who died following the encounter. But these are no ordinary wristbands.
Cpl. Clark: Oh, yes. Buy one for 10 bucks. Or get the Karl Thompson Zip Trip Zip Tie economy-pack for $49.95. That includes 12 bands and a bonus.
Q: What’s the bonus?
Cpl. Clark: A diagram on how your wristbands can be combined to hogtie an innocent mentally ill janitor in a convenience store.
Q: That’s cold, Cpl. Clark.
Cpl. Clark: Not as cold as what happened to Otto.
Q: That was one crazy story about Scott Q. Shupe, huh?
Cpl. Clark: The craziest. A state trooper found four pounds of pot and $18,000 in the Spokane medical marijuana seller’s station wagon during a routine traffic stop in central Oregon.
Q: What do you think Shupe said to the trooper?
Cpl. Clark: “Whoa. I’m in Oregon, man? Faaaarrr out. Like, I was just wondering where Hillyard went to.”
Q: What do you make of murderer Joseph Duncan being found competent to stand trial for the 1997 kidnapping and killing of a California boy?
Cpl. Clark: The only place Duncan should stand is on a high platform with his neck in a noose.
Q: You must’ve been happy to see your favorite felon make the front page the other day, huh?
Cpl. Clark: I always have a ball with Eddie Ray Hall.
Q: U.S. Attorney Jim McDevitt said this is the first time Eddie Ray has been “in federal sights.” What do you think he meant by that?
Cpl. Clark: That the feds have had their heads in a sand hole for the past 15 years.
Q: You’ve already recorded two parody songs about Eddie Ray. (You can hear them at www.spokes man.com/columnists.) Will you be going for a third?
Cpl. Clark: Naw. There’s no need for me to do another Eddie song now that Tom Keefe has come up with one.
Q: Tom Keefe?
Cpl. Clark: Yeah. He’s a reader who sends me hilarious observations now and then. Last week Keefe e-mailed me a new Eddie Ray song based on that old Kingston Trio folk hit, “Tom Dooley.”
Q: Why don’t you close today’s column by letting us read his lyrics?
Cpl. Clark: That’s a splendid idea.
Hang down your head, Eddie Ray Hall.
Hang down your head and sigh.
Now that McDevitt’s got you,
You’re gonna go bye-bye.
No more climbing fences.
No more work release.
With you at Lompoc prison,
Spokane can get some peace.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.