You know he doesn’t value you

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend has given me an ultimatum. I have six months to get my finances in order and move out of my parents’ house, or the relationship is over.

He says he sees me dragging him down in the future.

He says he can’t get where he has to go in life if he keeps having to turn around to help me.

He says I don’t contribute much to the relationship (financially) and he refuses to make decisions about the future based on my input.

I agreed to the ultimatum. Moving out is something I wanted to do anyway but haven’t had the means to do.

If my boyfriend has so little respect for me now, will he see me any differently when I become financially independent? I love him more than words can describe. But how does someone know when to call it quits? – Help, Please

It’s when someone else’s investment in you shoves aside your own.

The only rational, healthy, printable answer to his ultimatum is: “I want financial independence for myself. Getting it to please you won’t make it happen any faster. You can either live with that, or you can’t.” Bonus points if you can also say: “I, meanwhile, can’t live with someone who has lost faith in me, or who thinks it’s OK to control me. Thanks for some good memories, and good luck with the rest of your life.”

This person you love beyond description openly believes he’s your superior, and that you aren’t worth his time. He doesn’t value you, and yet doesn’t leave. What does that say about him?

You know he doesn’t value you, and you don’t leave, either. What does that say about you?

The only goal any of us needs is to value ourselves; everything else will follow. You need to set this goal now, and work toward it hard, for you and you alone.

The “everything” that follows includes not only becoming your best self, but also finding people who cherish the results – not people who send you back with “Do better or else.”

Dear Carolyn: One woman in my group is kind of obnoxious, another can be a bit bossy, but we like them both, and they seemingly get along. Bossy One doesn’t like Obnoxious One at all. Obnoxious One thinks Bossy One is hilarious and a cool person. Should I let her know Bossy One really hates her? I feel bad for her when she says how cool Bossy One is, and all of us just look at the floor. I’d want to know so I wouldn’t look so stupid. – Anonymous

This “group” makes loneliness sound like a trip to the beach.

All expenses paid.

Maybe Obnoxious One does “look so stupid” for not noticing Bossy One’s distaste. But Bossy One shares her dim view of a friend with everyone but the friend herself, and then pretends to her face that everything is fine

– which makes her cowardly and mean. And “cowardly and mean” make looking stupid sound pretty good.

So, to answer your question, I guess: Don’t tell Obnoxious One anything. Instead, do what Obnoxious One would probably want any friend to do: Stick up for her when Ol’ Bossy trashes her. Take a run at being Brave One.