Gift-giving lesson could backfire
Hi, Carolyn: I have explained to my husband of 10 years that it is important to me that he take our 7-year-old son out to shop for gifts for my birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc. Cost does not matter. Our son is an only child and has a lot of relatives, and he receives a lot of gifts. My husband is not a very good gift-giver, and I have accepted this over the years (he is very generous with money and time so it is not a problem between us, he just hates to buy gifts).
I just really want my husband to set an example for our son. I spend time helping our son make gifts for his aunts and uncles and shop for gifts for his dad. Should I just give up, or should I keep making an issue of this? – N.Y
If your husband takes you for granted, then that can set a lasting, damaging example for your son. In that case, though, shopping for gifts would affect that example only by impressing upon your son that it’s OK to take people for granted as long as you buy them trinkets at societally designated intervals. I don’t think that advances your cause.
If instead your husband genuinely appreciates you, and finds his own, abundant ways of showing it, then the forced gift ritual won’t do much to advance your cause, either.
I could even argue it would undermine your cause. In bringing your son out to buy gifts for others, you’re teaching him to think beyond his 2-foot Circle of Me. (For which society will be grateful, by the way.) In sticking to his own form of generosity, your husband is teaching him that he can be true to himself and still give back more than he takes. Why force out this message with your own?
That is, again, assuming your husband does in fact give more than he takes. A taker for a dad would mean an added burden on you to set two examples for your son: one of giving, and another of not letting yourself be taken. Futilely pressing the gift issue wouldn’t help you either way.
Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I have been together for about two years, living together for almost a year now, and I feel ready to propose. I’m divorced, and between child support and legal fees, I can’t afford a ring. So, I’m working extra hours to save up for one.
Every once in a while, my girlfriend says she feels like we’re not on track to get married – because I haven’t proposed, I assume. Should I just tell her I am saving for a ring? She might think I am just trying to buy more time and avoid a commitment. – Maryland
You “assume”? What you’re avoiding is conversation, and therefore intimacy.
Unless your primary shared value is that fairy tale surprises are paramount (humor me, say it isn’t), what matters here is a close bond to your mate. No matter how loving or generous the origins of this gesture may be, your secret ring-saving has effectively cut your girlfriend out of the discussion of your shared future. Propose, start talking, let her in. If it’s you she wants, the ring will be incidental.