Get ready America, Tiger is ready to walk among us again
ElinNordegren was cleaning out her husband Tiger Woods’ dresser drawers when she found a box with three golf balls and $2,000 in it. When he got home from the driving range, she asked him about the concealed items. Tiger said, “I’m sorry I hid this from you, but the truth is: Every time I cheated on you in the last three years, I put a golf ball in the drawer.” Elin was upset at first, but after further reflection, told Tiger, “I guess three times in three years is really not that bad…By the way, what is the $2,000 in the drawer?” Tiger replied, “Well, every time I got to a dozen balls, I sold them.”
So later this week, the world’s greatest golfer – recently on professional hiatus due to personal infidelity – will end his five-month interlude in Augusta, Ga., and from all indications, his return to the links will attract the attention of almost all 300 million living Americans, plus an errant Canadian or two. If Tiger Woods had been the first man to walk on the moon, he would not have attracted the TV viewership he will for walking the Masters Thursday through Sunday.
Who knew that Tiger would be back this soon?
“I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be,” Tiger somberly told the nation on Feb. 19. “I don’t rule out that it will be this year.”
Then, a mere 24 days later, he announced he would play in the Masters – I guess that’s why he didn’t rule out returning this year.
So, with the weight of publicly exposed marital indiscretions on his back, Tiger will soldier on among the shouts and murmurs of the rubber-necking masses.
(This is the point where sports pundits write some disclaimer that Tiger’s personal life is none of our business. Why isn’t it our business? The man has come into my living room almost every other weekend for the past 10 years or so. I can tell you he used to have an American Express card, drives a Buick, wears a Tag Heuer watch, shaves with a Gillette razor, prefers AT&T cell service, drinks Gatorade, swears by Nike and favors a red shirt every Sunday. I don’t expect to know each of his mistresses personally but I do expect to know their names.)
Now, while I am not in the habit of saying “I told you so” – basically, because I’m usually wrong – I am on record, repeatedly, that Tiger should not have gotten hitched. Conjugal relations are tricky, my friends. Some of the most brilliant minds in history – powerful men like Henry VIII, Napoleon Bonaparte, Albert Einstein, Paul McCartney and Couch Slouch – have found it difficult to balance work life with marital life. In Tiger’s case, he found it difficult to balance work life with extramarital life, but it’s the same difference.
The question-of-the-day of late comes in two parts:
Is Tiger a changed man, and can he win at Augusta?
He need not be a changed man to win the Masters following his layoff, but, frankly, I don’t think he’s a changed man and I don’t think he’ll win this weekend. Granted, he’s proven he can win under adverse conditions – what, like he didn’t have a lot on his mind when he was conducting his Adultery Over America Tour? – but I believe a little karma will catch up to him on the back nine.
In sports books, Tiger is the 2-to-1 favorite to win the Masters. Phil Mickelson is 7-1, Padraig Harrington 16-1.
As for Tiger being a changed man, who are we kidding?
Over the last several years, he had two role models from which to choose. One of them – Buddha – lived a monastic life, preached a cultivation of positive actions and followed a path of moderation away from the extremes of self-indulgence. The other one – his caddie, Steve Williams – is a self-important, shot-and-a-beer poseur who once wrestled a camera away from a fan.
Heck, if Tiger Woods were really a changed man, he’d carry his own clubs.
Ask The Slouch
Q. If Tiger Woods needed treatment for sexual addiction, shouldn’t you be treated for sexual abstinence? (Doug Ferguson; Ellicott City, Md.)
A. I hate it when one of the ex-wives writes in under a pen name.
Q. Every time I turn on cable TV, someone is yelling at someone else. When will it stop? (Glenn Gordon; Bellaire, Texas)
A. Alas, as Dalton – the greatest cooler ever – said during “Roadhouse”: “It will get worse before it gets better.”
Q. President Obama is throwing out the first pitch for the season opener of the Washington Nationals. How soon before he becomes the No. 5 starter? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. How come nobody complains all the years when the Yankees buy second place? (Bob Foody; Clifton Park, N.Y.)
A. Pay this wise soul, too.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You, too, can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail email@example.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!