Doug Clark: With no sign of Lampert, she still outdid Salvatori

The results are in and I am here to answer your questions regarding Tuesday’s primary election.

Q. Who was the biggest primary winner?

A. That should be clear no matter which party you detest the most. The biggest winner was Barbara Lampert in the 5th Congressional District race.

Q. Lampert? You must be joking. Only the top two vote-getters will square off in November. Didn’t Lampert finish third?

A. Exactly.

Q. So how is she the big winner?

A. Lampert has run for something and not won in every election since Larry King’s first divorce. Coming in third for such an important race is the Lampert equivalent of Dewey not defeating Truman.

Q. How do you figure?

A. Lampert has no party backing. She doesn’t spend any money on TV or radio advertising. If she has political signs I’ve never seen one. Yet somehow Lampert managed to convince more than 12,000 people to vote for her. That’s like six times the population of Ritzville.

Q. Wow. Who are these people?

A. I have no idea. But we need to find out and get them sedated and in therapy before they figure out how to sharpen sticks and attack us in our sleep.

Q. Do you think the Lampert vote signifies a change in the political landscape?

A. The Lampert vote is like a large patch of noxious weeds in the political landscape.

Q. What can be done?

A. Second-place finisher Daryl Romeyn is known more for his TV gardening acumen than his political savvy. He should be able to uproot the Lampert toadflax and transplant them into …

Q. Romeyn’s Domain?

A. Hey, I’m the one telling the jokes here, pal.

Q. Sorry. But would that give Romeyn a chance?

A. No matter what Romeyn does, Republican Cathy McMorris Rodgers will still crush him like a June bug under a jackhammer.

Q. Any other surprising developments in the Tuesday primary?

A. Yes. Though widely unpopular, incumbent Spokane County Prosecutor Steve Tucker managed to finish second and make it into the final.

Q. Does that mean Tucker is a better campaigner than you figured?

A. No. That means Tucker is the political equivalent of toenail fungus.

Q. Speaking of unsightly things that are hard to rid of, can you believe that incumbent Ralph Baker was the top vote-getter in the race for Spokane County assessor?

A. As Jay Leno once said, “Politics is show business for the ugly.”

Q. So do you think Republican Dino Rossi has a chance to grab Democrat Patty Murray’s U.S. Senate seat?

A. Not if Murray pulls a November Gotcha.

Q. What’s that?

A. Rossi looked like he had the edge over Chris Gregoire in the governor’s race until a mysterious pile of uncounted pro-Gregoire ballots were found stuffed inside an antique bean roaster in the basement of a Tukwila coffee shop.

Q. It’s hard to overcome a November Gotcha.

A. Darned tooting.

Q. Turning to the Spokane County commission, what do you make of all those votes that allowed Bonnie Mager, the incumbent Democrat, to lead the field by such a wide margin?

A. I’d call them 10,750 “thank yous” for Mager being the lone commissioner who was against wasting our tax money on that stupid racetrack.

Q. Is there anything else we can we learn from the Spokane County commission results?

A. Yes. Full-frontal political signs are a complete waste of money.

Q. You’re talking about the Steve Salvatori signs, huh?

A. Yes. Those signs didn’t look like Salvatori was running for commissioner. They looked like Salvatori was selling his own line of casual wear for Walmart.

Q. They were pretty pretentious.

A. Not to mention hazardous.

Q. Hazardous?

A. Yeah. I was driving around a curve the other day and suddenly Salvatori appeared standing at the edge of the curb. Man. I almost veered off the road.

Q. To avoid him?

A. Naw. Everybody knows nailing a politician is worth at least 10 points.