August 27, 2010 in Features

Carolyn Hax: Let her go through with adoption

Washington Post
 

Dear Carolyn: My daughter is 24, one semester away from her degree, and pregnant. She went into deep denial for almost seven months. Finally, at 27 weeks, she came to me with her suspicion. There were no more options but to have this baby.

From the beginning, she has stated emphatically that she does not want to keep the baby. I am very sad and wish she would not do this, but I have committed myself to supporting her, period. Father is not involved, and she has very negative feelings about him. He will sign off his parental rights immediately.

She and I have met her chosen adoptive parents, and they seem lovely. My daughter likes them a lot. Otherwise, she has chosen to go this alone. She has told none of her friends. She has made up excuses why she is not around, and confined herself to my home.

The baby is due soon, and I do not feel like she has thoroughly examined this situation. She has detached. I don’t think she has ever thought that just maybe this is what her life was supposed to look like.

I don’t want to add any stress, but I really want to ask her these very delicate questions. She just says she does not see herself as capable of being a mother yet. Am I out of line? – Anonymous

After a less-than-decisive start, your daughter has talked to you, accepted her pregnancy, chosen adoption, apparently secured the father’s cooperation, chosen adoptive parents carefully, introduced them to you, decided not to involve her friends, and executed that decision consistently. These are the purposeful, responsible actions of someone who knows what she wants.

Even if she is sleepwalking: You’ve said your piece, so it’s time to let this play out. Should she come to regret her decision, she’ll need reminders that she did what made sense to her at the time – not that she failed to do as you hoped.

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