Clark: Local characters revive tired Christmas tales
Yeah. Yeah. We’ve all seen the Grinch.
And that George Bailey makeover? That wonderful life has been done to death.
Sure, “A Christmas Story” is cute. But if I have to see Ralphie degrade himself in those pink bunny pajamas one more time, I’m going run outside and French kiss the nearest frozen flagpole.
What we need are some fresh holiday classics. You know, stories that we here in the Snow-blown Empire can identify with.
Stories such as…
How the Guild Killed Christmas. ( Live action.) The good people of SpoVille lose the Christmas spirit when arrogant members of the Cop Guild replace all the village holiday decorations with giant self-aggrandizing billboards that proclaim rising crime states and how the Cop Guild is better than Santa.
“Oh, holy blight,” mutters a SpoVille resident in despair. “I’d complain but those idiots have guns. They’d probably shoot me.”
Fortunately, Christmas is saved when a troop of ax-wielding Boy Scouts chop all the billboards down to earn their merit badges in carpentry.
The town rejoices. The decorations are put back.
And since it’s an election year, SpoVille’s Mayor Wormer realizes she could win some votes by acting tough.
“Crawl back into your clubhouse,” she tells the Cop Guild leaders. “And stop being such a pack of whining weenies.”
Plow Pirates. ( Reality.) Follow renegade crews of privatized snowplow drivers as they scrape and pillage Spokane streets during a recent “stage 13” snow emergency.
Highlights include Bluto, a sadistic and foul-mouthed driver, who delights in burying residential driveways under a six-foot crush of ice chunks and heavy wet snow.
“Lookee that!” he yells proudly as his grader roars past a homeowner who is shaking an impotent fist at the manmade driveway avalanche he now must clear.
“Yee-Haw,” giggles Bluto. “It’ll be Valentine’s Day before that poor dumb (#$%$!!) digs his way outta dat!”
Fritzy the SnowKlan. ( Animated.) An obnoxious North Idaho white supremacist offends his neighbors by building a pointy-hat, sheet-wearing and noose-carrying snowman in his yard.
“That’s no snowman,” he declares. “That’s a Snow-Klan!”
Then during the night Fritzy is visited by Adolf the Fallen Angel and magically springs to life. Fritzy cheerily goosesteps into the garage and returns with a pack of matches, a few boards and a hammer and some nails.
But don’t worry, kids. Christmas cartoons always come with a holly-jolly ending.
So let’s all sing along to the tune of that catchy song:
Fritzy the SnowKlan,
Was a frozen racist snot.
Till he burned a cross.
And it got too hot.
Now he’s just a big wet spot!
Auction alert …
No bids have come in on the two new youth bikes that we are auctioning on behalf of our annual Christmas Fund, which distributes toys, food vouchers and books the area’s needy.
I wrote about the cool blue Trek bikes on Sunday. They are being donated by Two Wheel Transit and the bikes – a boy’s model and a girl’s model – retail for $330 each.
But there’s still time to make a donation to the Christmas Fund and win a quality bike (or two) in the process.
All you have to do is make your offer to me via the following contact information. The auction ends 5 p.m. Friday.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.