Best I can tell, one Manning or the other will be taking his team to the Super Bowl for the rest of our natural lives. Meanwhile, it appears that the Saints will get to the Super Bowl once every 42 years or so; the next time they make it there, Brett Favre might be their quarterback.
Anyway, Colts-Saints is a wonderful matchup for a wonderful nation. And, as a public service, I am here to provide my 44th annual Super Bowl Sunday Viewing Guide (for Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):
The game will be televised by CBS. Good news for viewers: Most Time Warner Cable systems carry CBS.
The game will be played at Sun Life Stadium in Miami. What, you’ve never heard of Sun Life Stadium? There’s a reason for that – it became Sun Life Stadium about, oh, 15 minutes ago. Formerly Joe Robbie Stadium (and Pro Player Park and Pro Player Stadium and Dolphins Stadium and Dolphin Stadium and Land Shark Stadium), I believe it once changed names during an Olindo Mare 54-yard field goal attempt.
The Who will be the featured musical act at halftime. And you think Brett Favre won’t quit? Roger Daltrey and The Who first performed in 1964 and first disbanded in 1982. We are in the midst of the band’s third comeback out of retirement. One big difference between Daltrey and Favre: At least the singer never dumped The Who for The Rolling Stones.
Keep food preparations simple. I have four words for you: Pigs in a blanket.
If you insist on being fancy with food, you may as well follow Emeril Lagasse. At americanwaymag.com, the famed chef suggests shrimp and chorizo tapas, spicy pork wraps and black bean cakes for your Super Bowl gathering. Whatever the fare, Couch Slouch suggests Pabst Blue Ribbon in a can.
If you live in Baltimore, we completely understand if you pass on Super Bowl 44 in favor of Puppy Bowl VI. Heck, one of those Mayflower vans cut me off on the Pennsylvania Turnpike that fateful night in March 1984.
For the 783rd time, I am stating my opposition to instant replay as an officiating tool. I’ve said it before: One day someone is going to throw the challenge flag on the coin toss.
Speaking of which, if the game goes to overtime, the coin toss will come up tails. Tragically, the Vikings called heads before the NFC championship overtime – it bounced over to tails and the Vikings were bounced out. People think a coin toss is a 50-50 proposition; it is not. It comes up tails most of the time – in a life of uncertainty, this is the only thing I know for certain.
We have been spared Prince’s “Purple and Gold” travesty. That song made “Pants on the Ground” sound like “Smoke on the Water.”
If you pay close attention, you will also notice how good Peyton Manning is. If he were on board the Santa Maria in 1492, Columbus would’ve hit land 31/2 weeks earlier than he did.
Here are details for the Jets’ Super Bowl victory parade, still scheduled for Feb. 9. Rex Ryan will emerge from his Summit, N.J., home in his Jets bathrobe at 11:15 a.m. and – like Tony Soprano used to do – walk to the end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper. At the moment he retrieves it, a caravan of three Jets fans in a 1987 Dodge Charger – two wearing a Mark Gastineau jersey, one wearing a Joe Klecko jersey – will drive by and honk five times en route to the nearest Dunkin Donuts, where they will purchase two dozen powdered cake munchkins for their weekly Tuesday breakfast.
Colts kicker Matt Stover, at 42, will be the oldest person ever to play in a Super Bowl. He saw The Who at Woodstock.
Oh, yeah, the game itself – you probably want to know who’s going to win. Once a year, I provide the EXACT FINAL SCORE of a game beforehand. (I first performed this feat in 1980, when I nailed Ronald Reagan’s 489-49 electoral-vote margin over Jimmy Carter.) The last couple of Super Bowls have gone to the wire – ain’t gonna happen. The Saints are sentimental favorites to take it all – ain’t gonna happen. Couch Slouch and Peyton Manning don’t have a sentimental bone in our bodies. What’s gonna happen: Colts 33, Saints 22.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Is Kurt Warner retired for good, or is he Brett Favre with a bigger family? (Ryan Grant; Katy, Texas)
A. Warner already has returned to his home planet K-PAX in the constellation of Lyra, where he plans to complete his doctoral thesis on earthlings.
Q. Team Korea just won an international text-messaging competition in New York, with Team USA finishing second. Is there any sport we can still kick the world’s butt in? (Marc Golden; Rocky River, Ohio)
A. No-limit Texas hold ’em, baby.
Q. How much sleep did you lose watching the Australian Open live? (Bill Clarke; Chicago)
A. None. I tape it and watch all the matches when I go on vacation in August.
Q. In Super Bowl I, were the Packers and Chiefs both at a disadvantage since neither had Super Bowl experience? (Andrew Lockett; Arlington, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.