February 16, 2010 in Sports

Journal of dog show ‘contestant’ reveals interesting insight

Norman Chad

When you gather 2,500 dogs in one spot, what happens? The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is like a cruise ship for canines – a big crowd in a confined space, all waiting to eat. Once again, intrepid Siberian Husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his week in New York:

Wednesday: This is our Daytona 500, our U.S. Open, our Kentucky Derby – where’s Costas or Jim Nantz? …Worst thing about the dog-show circuit? Flying in the cargo hold … If I were king for a day, you wouldn’t see a Lhasa Apso from here to Poughkeepsie … I may not be best-in-breed, but I look damn good walking down Broadway … McGruff the Crime Dog? Please. He couldn’t solve a TV Guide crossword puzzle …

One day, I’m going to get me a white-collar job.

Thursday: Granted, I’m germ-a-phobe, but I hate drinking out of a community water dish … Cell-phone use among Labradoodles is out of control …

Trust me – if they gave us a toilet, we’d use it.

Friday: As founder of Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People (AETP), for goodness sakes, folks, stop killing yourselves … By the way, you all eat at least three times a day and feed us just twice a day – what’s up with that? … I know we’re supposed to be “man’s best friend,” but if I have to spend another night in that hotel room watching Nancy Grace while my owner dozes off, that man’s going to have to find a new best friend … FYI: To most of us, “fetch” is a four-letter word …

Saturday: You know why New York’s the city that never sleeps? Because some yahoo’s honking his horn every 15 seconds … My cousin Petey went to a dog show in Paris once and every water dish was filled with Evian … If they remade “Lassie” today, I’d bet he could text-message for help … I’m still missing the “Waterloo” painting from my “Dogs Playing Poker” collection, if anyone out there can help …

I’d give anything for a back scratcher.

Sunday: I would give up pigs’ ears for a year to win this damn thing … I can’t watch the Winter Olympics – if ice dancing’s a sport, then I’m a Rottweiler … Hey, but I’d take those skating judges over these clueless chumps any day of the week … I’ll be honest with you: Sometimes I bark at the UPS guy because I can … Doberman Pinschers have absolutely NO sense of humor …

Monday: Finally got around to seeing “Marley & Me” on DVD – I cried more than my owner did during “The Notebook” … I know we’re in New York City, but I don’t need a bagel every morning … Weirdest sight of the day: A German Shepherd with a pager … How come when Tiger Woods cheats on his wife, everyone calls him “a dog”? The man’s a snake, no? … Several of the big-name pooches here are blogging for Dog World magazine.

Did you know that some Shih Tzus have stylists?

Tuesday: My vet says I should move to L.A. for the weather, but who can afford a Beverly Hills doghouse? … Sometimes I glance around Madison Square Garden and every other judge looks like Tim Donaghy to me … How low is President Obama’s approval rating? His dog asked to be sent to the pound….

I still can’t believe that Sussex Spaniel won last year – he’s a dog with fleas.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Experts credit high-tech swimsuits for so many swimming records falling in the past year. Will you apply this new technology to the boxers you wear while playing online poker? (David Landau; Potomac, Md.)

A. I do not play online poker. When I play live poker, I do not wear boxers or briefs.

Q. What do bracketologists do during their 10 months of vacation every year? (William Murray; Chicago)

A. Actually, many of them moonlight as NFL draftniks in March and April.

Q. Did you believe in miracles in 1980? (Dan Doherty; Indianapolis)

A. I guess. I proposed to my first wife.

Q. Considering newspaper readership continues plummeting, can you foresee the week when you receive no questions? (Bob Moss; Silver Spring, Md.)

A. It occurs to me this would’ve been a good week for that to happen.

Q. Given all the talk about expanding the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, let me be the first to ask: Do you think a 24 seed will ever beat a 9 seed? (Bob Dehring; Cudahy, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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