When you gather 2,500 dogs in one spot, what happens? The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is like a cruise ship for canines – a big crowd in a confined space, all waiting to eat. Once again, intrepid Siberian Husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his week in New York:
Wednesday: This is our Daytona 500, our U.S. Open, our Kentucky Derby – where’s Costas or Jim Nantz? …Worst thing about the dog-show circuit? Flying in the cargo hold … If I were king for a day, you wouldn’t see a Lhasa Apso from here to Poughkeepsie … I may not be best-in-breed, but I look damn good walking down Broadway … McGruff the Crime Dog? Please. He couldn’t solve a TV Guide crossword puzzle …
One day, I’m going to get me a white-collar job.
Thursday: Granted, I’m germ-a-phobe, but I hate drinking out of a community water dish … Cell-phone use among Labradoodles is out of control …
Trust me – if they gave us a toilet, we’d use it.
Friday: As founder of Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People (AETP), for goodness sakes, folks, stop killing yourselves … By the way, you all eat at least three times a day and feed us just twice a day – what’s up with that? … I know we’re supposed to be “man’s best friend,” but if I have to spend another night in that hotel room watching Nancy Grace while my owner dozes off, that man’s going to have to find a new best friend … FYI: To most of us, “fetch” is a four-letter word …
Saturday: You know why New York’s the city that never sleeps? Because some yahoo’s honking his horn every 15 seconds … My cousin Petey went to a dog show in Paris once and every water dish was filled with Evian … If they remade “Lassie” today, I’d bet he could text-message for help … I’m still missing the “Waterloo” painting from my “Dogs Playing Poker” collection, if anyone out there can help …
I’d give anything for a back scratcher.
Sunday: I would give up pigs’ ears for a year to win this damn thing … I can’t watch the Winter Olympics – if ice dancing’s a sport, then I’m a Rottweiler … Hey, but I’d take those skating judges over these clueless chumps any day of the week … I’ll be honest with you: Sometimes I bark at the UPS guy because I can … Doberman Pinschers have absolutely NO sense of humor …
Monday: Finally got around to seeing “Marley & Me” on DVD – I cried more than my owner did during “The Notebook” … I know we’re in New York City, but I don’t need a bagel every morning … Weirdest sight of the day: A German Shepherd with a pager … How come when Tiger Woods cheats on his wife, everyone calls him “a dog”? The man’s a snake, no? … Several of the big-name pooches here are blogging for Dog World magazine.
Did you know that some Shih Tzus have stylists?
Tuesday: My vet says I should move to L.A. for the weather, but who can afford a Beverly Hills doghouse? … Sometimes I glance around Madison Square Garden and every other judge looks like Tim Donaghy to me … How low is President Obama’s approval rating? His dog asked to be sent to the pound….
I still can’t believe that Sussex Spaniel won last year – he’s a dog with fleas.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Experts credit high-tech swimsuits for so many swimming records falling in the past year. Will you apply this new technology to the boxers you wear while playing online poker? (David Landau; Potomac, Md.)
A. I do not play online poker. When I play live poker, I do not wear boxers or briefs.
Q. What do bracketologists do during their 10 months of vacation every year? (William Murray; Chicago)
A. Actually, many of them moonlight as NFL draftniks in March and April.
Q. Did you believe in miracles in 1980? (Dan Doherty; Indianapolis)
A. I guess. I proposed to my first wife.
Q. Considering newspaper readership continues plummeting, can you foresee the week when you receive no questions? (Bob Moss; Silver Spring, Md.)
A. It occurs to me this would’ve been a good week for that to happen.
Q. Given all the talk about expanding the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, let me be the first to ask: Do you think a 24 seed will ever beat a 9 seed? (Bob Dehring; Cudahy, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.