Annie’s Mailbox: Talk with lover about intimacy

Dear Annie: I am a divorced woman in my late 30s, with two young sons. My ex-husband is not a good father, but my boys understand that and accept that he will not be a huge part of their lives.

I recently moved in with my significant other, and the boys really like him. He sets a good example of how a man should be and has raised a fine son himself. The problem is, “Harry” is a workaholic. He is 12 years older than I am, and although he makes time to spend with us as a family, he does not make time for intimacy. Sex is good when we have it (about once a month), but it is only sex. No foreplay.

Harry has told me this is because there simply isn’t enough time, but when we take vacations together, there is plenty of time. He just won’t make the effort.

Should I accept this? Should I chalk it up to his being tired? I worry that he has some kind of problem, or that maybe I’m not sexy enough for him. I know he does not have any sexual hang-ups, because I have heard things about his past relationships. How do I approach him about this? – Insecure

Dear Insecure: If Harry is in his 50s, he may be experiencing some erectile dysfunction, and yes, being tired can have an enormous effect on intimacy. He might have some medical issues he hasn’t told you about, or he might fear you are comparing him to younger men. The only way to know is to talk about it. Ask whether there is a problem and what you can do to help. Offer to go with him for counseling. And although you didn’t ask, we are not in favor of moving in with a man when you have young children. Unless it is a progressive step in an already committed long-term relationship, you are only hurting them emotionally.