Raceway dealings may be more than meets the eye

They’ve gone too far this time.

Spokane County Commissioners Todd Mielke and Mark Richard, that is.

On Tuesday the two Republican lackeys dumped yet another carload of taxpayer cash into their pet sinkhole, Spokane County Raceway.

Rack up another $588,500, supposedly to improve track safety. This put the total for this year’s racetrack larceny at $1.1 million of OUR money.

Now that’s outrageous enough.

But then Mielke did the unthinkable.

My radiator about blew its cap when I got to the final paragraph of reporter John Craig’s front-page story Wednesday.

“It would be somebody like Doug Clark who would go out there in his Vista Cruiser and get hit and want to retire on the county,” said Mielke in a Tuesday commission meeting.

“But I’m just not willing to do it.”

Now, I don’t mind Mielke trying to soil my reputation.

There are certain members of this community who would rank me third in a popularity contest with bin Laden and Satan.

And those are just the cops.

But Mielke sank to a new low when he dared to drag my beloved ’67 Vista Cruiser into his raceway rip-off.

Speaking of the cherry red party wagon, I finally drummed up enough nerve to calculate the Oldsmobile’s gas consumption for my recent trip to ride in the Republic, Wash., Prospectors’ Days parade.

Hold onto your fan belts, folks, for some bombshell news.

The Vista Cruiser averaged 13.33 miles per gallon of premium gas.

This is an all-time mileage best. It’s a testimony to proper tire inflation, correct fluid levels, a steady tailwind and the new carburetor I had a mechanic install not long ago.

It’s like my wagon has turned into a Prius.

I wonder if I can apply for some sort of “green” award from Al Gore.

I certainly can’t refer to my ride anymore as a Vista Guzzler.

But getting back to Spokane County Raceway, you know what really surprises me about all this?

Lack of public outrage.

Where are the (bleeped)-off tea party members? Where are the angry letters to the editor?

When this is over, Mielke and Richard may have dumped as much as $10 million into their risky raceway scheme. And during a time when the economy is in the toilet and everything from law enforcement to public parks is hurting.

It makes you wonder what Mielke and Richard are up to.

Well, I think I figured it out.

The answer came to me in the front-page headline right next to the raceway story.

“Alleged Spies’ Lives Distinctly American,” it read.

The story was about the arrest of a ring of Russian undercover agents who were living as normal TV-watching Americans.

“Aha!” I thought.

“Mielke and Richard could be foreign spies on a mission to destroy Spokane County through this fool racetrack.”

Now I don’t want to get carried away. I don’t really think either one of these jokers is sharp enough to be a Russian spy.

They must be working for one of the minor foreign governments like Latvia or Alabama.

Whatever. Somebody call Homeland Security.

Round up these two before they drop another dime into this honey bucket.

I’m betting that with some proper interrogation techniques (aka waterboarding) the commissioners will tell us whom they are really working for.

Foreign spies.

Yep. That explains it.