Local news

Doug Clark: I’ve grown very attuned to mosquitoes

Zeeee …

THWAP!!

Zeee …

OUCH!!!

Zeee …

There are two kinds of people populating this mosquito-infested planet.

There are lucky stiffs like my lovely wife, Sherry. She could spend a week in Skeeter Hollow wearing only shorts and a T-shirt.

Out she’d come out as untouched as a crucifix at Dracula’s castle.

Then there are the accursed itching souls like yours truly.

We know those “thwaps” and “zeee” sounds only too well.

Whenever I venture outside the mosquitoes are on me like Oprah on cheesecake. Summer is one long, buggy battle of swatting, scratching and (#^&$!!) swearing.

So today I am releasing a brand new recording in honor of all you mosquito magnets. It is a bouncy little number I wrote called the “Jump-Jive Mosquito Blues.”

And unlike most of my music, this song is actually fit for kids.

You can sing the following lyrics to your own bluesy melody.

Or go to www.spokesman.com and hear what Joe Brasch and I came up with in the studio the other day. I sang the vocal and played rhythm guitar. Joe did the producing, etc., and added some fiery electric guitar.

You know, I’ve given up wondering why these little beasties consider me an all-you-can-suck buffet.

It’s been that way ever since I was a kid. During one camping trip I counted 48 bites to my face, neck, arms and back.

And that was just the first day.

Considering the way these critters love me, I was horrified to open the paper last week and read: “West Nile virus has been found in a mosquito sample taken from the Winchester Wasteway near Ephrata …”

West Nile virus?

That mosquito-borne disease can kill you.

But don’t worry.

Gregg Grunenfelder, a state health official, revealed in the news story how we could avoid West Nile annihilation.

“Avoiding mosquito bites is the key …,” he said.

Gee, Gregg, why didn’t I think of that?

Oh, well. As long as we’re all doomed we might as well kick back and sing the …

“Jump-Jive Mosquito Blues”

Well, they move so fast,

You can’t quite catch ’em.

And when they attack,

You can’t stop scratchin’.

It’s a cockeyed condition,

Got me itchin’ right outta my shoes.

They’re eating me alive,

Got that Jump-Jive Mosquito Blues.

They may be tiny,

But you still gotta fear ’em.

You can’t see ’em,

But you sure can hear ’em.

They go: “zeee …”

That sound is such bad news.

They’re eating me alive,

Got that Jump-Jive Mosquito Blues.

(bridge)

Oh, those dive-bombing devils drop in for a munch.

What do they think I am,

Brunch?

I move and I groove. I swat and I swing.

But nothin’ I do can avoid that sting.

So rub on repellent,

Get out the spray.

Light the citronella,

Sit back and pray.

I’m lumpy. I’m bumpy. I’m jumpy.

Tell me what can I do?

They’re eatin’ me alive,

Got that Jump-Jive Mosquito Blues.

They’re eating me alive,

Got that Jump-Jive Mosquito Blues.

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.


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