July 9, 2010 in Features

Carolyn Hax: Telling friend may be only bearable choice

Carolyn Hax Washington Post

Hi, Carolyn: Within the past month I was in my best friend’s wedding. While I was at the wedding, I shared a hotel room with another female friend who is tight with the bride and groom. I noticed that the roommate-friend and the groom were really chummy over the wedding weekend, so when she left her journal on the nightstand the day after the wedding, I took a peek.

I found out that she not only had strong romantic feelings for the groom, but also slept with him multiple times a few months prior to the wedding. Now I don’t know whether to tell my best friend. The easy thing would be to not say anything, and I’ve come up with multiple ways to justify this path of least resistance. Please let me know if I need to tell my friend or take some other course of action. – Holding my peace

The voices in my head think this is an easy one: “TELL HER TELL HER TELL HER.”

In the end, they may be right. But knowing when to disclose bad news is never easy, because these situations almost always fall into one of two camps: (1) the I-can’t-believe-my- friend(s)-knew-and- didn’t-tell-me camp, and (2) the I-wish-I’d-never- been-told-because-now- I-can’t-get-past-it camp.

Telling your friend may ultimately be your only bearable choice – especially since this so-called friend/other woman is still on the scene.

This is your best friend.

You know her – probably better than anyone else does, and arguably better than she knows herself. Would she want to hear it from you, or from him (since forcing his hand is one of your options)? Would she want to know at all?

And, if you’re still torn after all that, you have this to fall back on: What would you have her do if you were in the exact same awful position?

Thoughts and opinions on this story? Click here to comment >>

Get stories like this in a free daily email