July 20, 2010 in City

Doug Clark: Questioning the change? Don’t ask Y

By The Spokesman-Review
 

News was breaking out like the before examples in a Proactiv acne commercial while I was off vacating.

So let’s revisit a few of the biggest bombshells that erupted during my recent two-week abscess.

Bombshell 1. The YMCA has shortened its name to just Y.

This is the dopiest public relations gaffe since Washington’s “Say WA” tourism campaign.

But this Y move is also a hate crime against pop music.

America has been gesticulating to the rhythm and the rhymes of the catchy “YMCA” song ever since platform shoes and powder blue leisure suits were considered hip attire.

Now, thanks to this corporate alphabetical amputation, revelers can only lock their arms in one upraised position while singing …

It’s fun to stay at the Y-mm-mm-mmm.

It’s fun to stay at the Y-mm-mm-mmm.

I hear the Village People are quite upset, and rightly so since this move cuts the band down to just one sad, flamboyant Indian.

Bombshell 2. A Canadian truck driver bound for a Kettle Falls Avista plant was caught with 300 pounds of marijuana in his rig.

An Avista spokesman later explained that the weed was actually part of a shipment of a potent marijuana strain known as “Avarista Gold.”

The pot, he said, will be given away through the power company’s new “Don’t Cry/Stay High” program.

“Studies have shown that stoned ratepayers don’t whine as much about our ridiculous recurring rate hikes,” said the spokesman, who urged utility users to call Avista today to “reserve your free fatty.”

Bombshell 3. Nasty, diarrhea-causing E. coli has been found in the tap water at Spokane County Raceway.

Health officials quickly traced the bacteria to the loads and loads of bull (#%$#!!) that have been spewed by Spokane County Commissioners Todd Mielke and Mark Richard since they paid $4.3 million for the track site two years ago in a public auction.

And many more tax dollars have gone down the ol’ Spokane Wasteway commode since then.

Mielke and Richard have always been a spark plug or two shy of a tuneup. Rumor has it that these two shama-lama-dingbats will counter the E. coli crisis by holding an Imodium 500 race and offering free Kaopectate to all visiting motor fans.

Bombshell 4. “Religious debate ends in stabbing.”

I knew this story was NOT about a fanatical cleric and some infidel cartoonist who had dared to draw the Prophet Muhammad as a carrot or a bratwurst.

Otherwise the above headline would have read …

“Religious debate ends in beheading.”

Unfortunately, the story didn’t say what theological point was being argued when Shawn R. Smith, 18, allegedly stabbed 24-year-old Adam L. Frantz. Since drinking was said to have been involved, however, it could have been the “water-into-wine” debate.

You know, like …

“I say it wuz Chablis (hic!)”

“Jezuz weren’t no yuppie, you blasphemer. He wouldn’ta made no sissy white. It hadda be a manly red, like a cabernet or a zinfandel, with a hint of cinnamon and nutty Presbyterian overtones.”

“Well, you’re goin’ ta Hell!”

“Oh, yeah? Try and make me.”

Stab. Stab-stab …

Hallelujah, brothers and sisters! I don’t know how to turn water into wine.

But that’s definitely how to make a holey roller.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or at dougc@spokesman.com.

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