July 31, 2010 in Features

God’s word shows path through strained relationships

Is there such a thing as a toxic relationship?

I mean, can a relationship be so tainted by selfishness, abuse, anger – any sin, really – that it has to be abandoned? Does God in extreme circumstances give us the latitude to just edit someone out of our lives?

Several readers asked me to address this idea following my last column about Christians bailing too readily on hard relationships. I contended then, and still do, that we have a tendency to ignore people who irritate us, banish those who offend us and generally avoid the hard work of peacemaking.

In some cases, it’s easier to bail on a relationship than it is to endure it. But that ignores God’s desire that we love our neighbor as ourselves, and selflessly pursue peace with others.

So at times we’re left looking for a loophole in God’s plan. We long to declare a relationship so polluted that it is in fact irreparable. We want out, and we want to feel good about it.

Before I dive into the question of toxic relationships, let me say that we’re wading into dark and deep waters here. I’ve heard from emotionally and physically abused spouses, rejected children and longtime church members who have parted ways over serious doctrinal disagreements.

This is not easy stuff.

As always, God’s word charts a course through uncertain waters.

In the Old Testament account of King David’s life, we learn of his decision to shun his son, Absalom, who vengefully murdered a brother who had raped his sister.

This is not an allegory, but an actual family ripped apart at the seams because of anger, selfishness, revenge and an unforgiving spirit.

Although Absalom fled from his father after killing his brother, he eventually returned, yet was not welcomed into his father’s presence. It seems David simply could not forgive, even though he loved his children desperately.

The Lord gave David a message: “God does not take away a life; but He devises means, so that His banished ones are not expelled from Him” (2 Samuel 14:14 – NKJV).

Incredibly, God asked David to forgive Absalom and restore their relationship, because it is a reflection of the very nature of God. That’s what God has done for us: He has devised a means to restore sinful people to himself through the cross of Jesus Christ.

But here’s the catch: There is a difference between forgiveness and restoration.

By God’s grace, we can forgive those who have wronged us, however severely, and show them the love and mercy that God himself has extended to us.

But if they will not admit their wrongdoing and turn from it, the relationship simply cannot be restored. We cannot fully restore a relationship until the one who offends us owns his or her sin, repents of it and does whatever is possible to make it right.

Absent this, the relationship always will be less than it could be.

In the case of Absalom, he eventually tried to steal the throne from his dad. His repentance clearly was a sham; he and his father were never truly reconciled.

The issue for us, then, is one of our hearts. Even if we must distance ourselves from others because of emotional or physical abuse, or break fellowship over doctrinal truth, we can ask God to keep our hearts soft enough to welcome restoration if it comes.

If God does not banish those who have offended his holy nature, but devises means for restoration, can we not trust him to help us do the same?

Steve Massey is the pastor of Hayden Bible Church in Hayden, Idaho (www.haydenbible.org). He can be reached at (208) 772-2511 or steve@haydenbible.org.

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Eight comments on this story so far. Add yours!

PhiltheBibliophil on July 31 at 6:23 a.m.
God destroyed the world in the First World Age and he’s getting ready to do it again!
TOOBAD2 on July 31 at 8:34 a.m.
if you have given your life fully over to the lord then you have no problem with the end times. you may change the things that you can change, and the things that you can’t change you just turn over to god. i am 66 years old and god has been with me all of them. he has given me a wonderful wife. has keeped us both safe. has been with us every step of the way. i have everything i need and i have god to thank for it every day. if you have the peace of the lord then you have no regrets and have live your life to the fullest. you can ask for no more. may the peace of the lord be with you always.
dcplace2007 on July 31 at 11:21 a.m.
To all you people out there that believe in this hogwash, try going to the sites www.godisimaginary.com and www.skepticsannotatedbible.com This may shed some light on the WWSD (What Would Santa Do) nonsense.
PhiltheBibliophil on July 31 at 12:11 p.m.
dcplace2007 - Toodbad2 and I will pray for your soul!
Hcklbery on July 31 at 1:27 p.m.
((PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM NOT YELLING BY USING CAPS.
IT’S FOR EYESIGHT, FOR PROOF READING AND FINDING ERRORS, (EXCEPT WHERE I COPY AND PASTE)).
Mat 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
(“”” IF “”” HE HEARS THEE)
Mat 18:16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
Mat 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
(IF HE DOES NOT REPENT THAN LET HIM BE AS AN HEATHEN, THIS IS NOT FORGIVENESS BUT REJECTION AND CAST OUT ETC.)
REPENTANCE IS THE CRUCIAL CONDITION THAT MUST BE MET FOR THERE TO BE ANYTHING OF FORGIVENESS.)
THE WORD FORGIVENESS IS THE DESCRIPTOR OF THE ACT OF RESTORING.
WITHOUT “”GIVING”” THROUGH MERCY THE RESTORATION OF THE HONOR AND RESPECT AS WELL AS THE TRUST FORMERLY LOST THERE CAN BE NO FOR(GIVE)NESS.
YOUR DESCRIPTION OF FORGIVENESS IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SELF SERVING, FEEL GOOD, UNFORGIVING, BITTER HEART EXCUSE WHERE REPENTANCE IS HONORABLY OFFERED AND A NON-CONDEMNING COMFORTING LIE FOR ONE FACED WITH UNREPENTANT ABUSE BY A LOVED ONE.
ALL OF WHICH KEEPS YOU PLEASANTLY EMPLOYED WITHOUT FRICTION OR CONCERN FOR YOUR SALARY BUT NONE OF WHICH CONFRONTS THE UNREPENTANT WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR UNREPENTANT SINS NOR ENDOWS THE ABUSED WITH VINDICATION THROUGH THE STRENGTH OF SOUND RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE FIRST DOUSED IN THE LOVE FOR MERCY.
THE BIBLE IS CLEAR THAT IN THE LAST DAYS THERE WILL BE THOSE WHO RISE UP IN THEIR OWN SELF ESTABLISHING AUTHORITY TO CALL THEMSELVES TEACHERS AND PREACHERS OF THE SACRED WORD OF GOD, BUT WHO ARE WITHOUT A GOD GIVEN UNDERSTANDING, WALKING IN THE UNDERSTANDING AND SO CALLED WISDOM OF THEIR OWN MINDS AND CORRUPT HEARTS. THE WORD PUTS IT LIKE THIS>
2Ti 3:13 But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived.
2Ti 3:1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
2Ti 3:2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
2Ti 3:3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
2Ti 3:4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
2Ti 3:5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
HAVING A FORM OF GODLINESS BUT DENYING THE POWER THEREOF, FROM SUCH TURN AWAY.
2Ti 3:6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
2Ti 3:7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
EVER LEARNING, AND NEVER ABLE TO COME TO THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH.
YOU SIR ARE THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND, AND WHERE SHALL YOU END UP?
A DITCH.
WHY IS THE DARKNESS SO STRONGLY ENCROACHING INTO YOUR COMMUNITY ?
BECAUSE THE LIGHT THERE HAS GROWN SO DIM.
I CALL YOU TO REPENTANCE.
mikeln on August 02 at 2:04 p.m.
The bible, depite being fable, does give good advice. God exists through creation and has never spoke to man. Read the book of moses, do you really think god was ok with the murder and rape that takes place here. This is supposed to be gods word, it isn’t. There is more evidence of god in a single blade of grass then in any of these so called holy books like the bible or the koran. Only through scientific discovery will we find god, not the fables written by and for man. Women should be wary of these books as they are always treated as second class people or in some cases chattle for mans enjoyment, proof they were written by men.
Arch_Druid on August 07 at 7:37 p.m.
What I really find interesting about Massey’s column? Everyone else simply worked around that column and never addressed the meat of it. Sorry Reverend, but that is not the story of Absolom that I found in the Old Testament. Seems that God would not ask of his followers to turn his word into a piece of revisionist fiction. And yet, that is what Massey does.
Now, exactly what has that got to do with divorce, esp. when an abusive situation exists between husband and wife? The man isn’t a “neighbor” of his wife. And he could do some bible reading himself in how to be a better husband, father, etc. to his family. Massey has never met my family, mom and dad, despite the abuse, hate, etc., etc., etc. that existed between them stayed together. As a consequence, this “strained relationship” ravaged the family. Dad had finally died with one last family fight to his history. On the morning before his death, he really raised hell while I was trying to make some cinnamon rolls, that really upset me. The rolls weren’t turning out well, and dad died in the wee hours of the next morning at the hospital after collapsing at home that night.
Quite frankly, I don’t think dad could have tolerated a divorce or any kind of separation, as he needed someone to control and hold in contempt.
So really, I have no idea where Massey’s ideas come from, as he doesn’t seem to be addressing reality, biblically or otherwise.
Hcklbery on August 10 at 2:53 p.m.
@ Arch
This is why I relayed the actual Scripture that addresses this criteria of when to forgive and when to condemn.
Please note that all caps helps me to proof read and catch errors so I try to write as much as I can in caps and so am not yelling.IF I WERE TO TRY TO BOIL IT DOWN TO THE fewest words possible, IT WOULD BE THAT THE REPENTANCE OF THE ABUSER/SINNER, THE TRULY HONEST HEART CHANGING REPENTANCE WOULD BE THE TELL ALL OF WHETHER TO FORGIVE OR NOT. IF YOU LOOK AT ALL THE TEACHINGS OF CHRIST and also as YOU WOULD EXPECT THE ENTIRE BIBLE THE ONE THING THAT GOD ABSOLUTELY DEMANDS BEFORE FORGIVENESS IS IMPARTED IS A TRULY HONORABLE REPENTANCE THAT HE FINDS AS ACCEPTABLE, AND THEN THAT FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS RESTORATIVE JUST AS IF THE WRONG HAD NEVER BEEN DONE AND IN FACT THE KNOWLEDGE OF IT ERASED.
This charactorzation I articulate is reflected throughout the whole of the Holy word of God. AND IS THE OPPOSITE COMPLETELY OF WHAT THIS SO CALLED PREACHER EXPOUNDS, HENCE AS IT IS WRITTEN SO I ATTEST THAT WHERE THERE IS AN AT VARIANCE FROM WHAT MAN SAYS to what the word says SAYS LET MAN BE THE LIAR. THUS I SAY LIAR TO THIS FALSE TEACHER, AND REBUKE HIM FOR HIS TAKING THAT WHICH IS HOLY INTO HIS UNHOLY HANDS.
CALLING HIM TO REPENTANCE LESS HE BE LOST TO HELL BEING FOUND REMISS OF SO GREAT A SALVATION OFFERED and so CONTEMPTUOUSLY TREATED.
GAINSAYER REPENT.