June 1, 2010 in Features

The Slice: No lake? No problem for this guy

By The Spokesman-Review

The Slice finally tracked down and interviewed The Spokane Guy Who Doesn’t Have a Lake Place.

Here is a transcript of that long-awaited exchange. You won’t believe what he had to say.

Q: So, summer is unofficially under way. Seeing as how you don’t have a waterside cottage, what are your plans? Sit around and mope?

A: I intend to lead a full, rich life and robustly pursue human fulfillment on multiple fronts.

Q: Yeah, OK. But you won’t be able to say “We’re going to the lake.”

A: I’m not sure why you would regard that as tragic. In reality, people in my situation are the majority.

Q: Sure, sure. So you’ll be trying to mooch invitations?

A: Actually, the last time I spent time at a friend’s lake cabin the whole weekend was devoted to problems with the toilet. And our kids contracted swimmer’s itch. If I don’t get to relive that, I’ll survive.

Q: But isn’t water recreation the reason for living?

A: There are others. Making good time on long car trips, for instance. Or hearing the laughter of your beloved. Certain fruit pies.

Q: So are you poor, some sort of Commie or what?

A: We just haven’t chosen to make that kind of investment. And we’re not originally from here, so we didn’t inherit a lake place. In addition, the limited public access to area waterfronts has always struck me as feudal.

Q: Afraid you wouldn’t look good in a swimsuit, huh?

A: Look, where does it say everyone around here has to have exactly the same attitude about the ideal way to spend the summer?

Q: I think you’re supposed to swear an oath. So you hate Spokane?

A: Not at all. I’m just not, you know.

Q: What?

A: Going to the lake.

Today’s Slice question: Who locally holds the lifetime record for most golf balls lost?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098; e-mail pault@spokesman.com. By the power vested in me, I hereby declare today to be Don E. Culbertson Day.

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