The Slice finally tracked down and interviewed The Spokane Guy Who Doesn’t Have a Lake Place.
Here is a transcript of that long-awaited exchange. You won’t believe what he had to say.
Q: So, summer is unofficially under way. Seeing as how you don’t have a waterside cottage, what are your plans? Sit around and mope?
A: I intend to lead a full, rich life and robustly pursue human fulfillment on multiple fronts.
Q: Yeah, OK. But you won’t be able to say “We’re going to the lake.”
A: I’m not sure why you would regard that as tragic. In reality, people in my situation are the majority.
Q: Sure, sure. So you’ll be trying to mooch invitations?
A: Actually, the last time I spent time at a friend’s lake cabin the whole weekend was devoted to problems with the toilet. And our kids contracted swimmer’s itch. If I don’t get to relive that, I’ll survive.
Q: But isn’t water recreation the reason for living?
A: There are others. Making good time on long car trips, for instance. Or hearing the laughter of your beloved. Certain fruit pies.
Q: So are you poor, some sort of Commie or what?
A: We just haven’t chosen to make that kind of investment. And we’re not originally from here, so we didn’t inherit a lake place. In addition, the limited public access to area waterfronts has always struck me as feudal.
Q: Afraid you wouldn’t look good in a swimsuit, huh?
A: Look, where does it say everyone around here has to have exactly the same attitude about the ideal way to spend the summer?
Q: I think you’re supposed to swear an oath. So you hate Spokane?
A: Not at all. I’m just not, you know.
A: Going to the lake.
Today’s Slice question: Who locally holds the lifetime record for most golf balls lost?