Tap daughter-in-law’s influence over son

Dear Annie: My son and his wife live across the country. I see them once or twice a year. They have two children. My 13-year-old grandson can do nothing right in his father’s eyes, and the 11-year-old girl can do nothing wrong.

I have witnessed what I consider severe verbal abuse toward my grandson. I would like to talk with my son about his behavior, but he is extremely sensitive to criticism. I know his reaction would be to ostracize me for an extended period of time. Then I’d never get to see my grandchildren or be able to help.

I just returned from a visit, and my son’s behavior appears to be having an effect on my grandson’s health. The boy made himself sick worrying about having a cavity. He missed 10 days of school over the winter with headaches and stomachaches. I told my son and daughter-in-law that I think the reason my grandson is sick all the time is that he is stressed.

I worry my son expects perfection from his child. His wife is aware of the situation, but as far as I can see, she doesn’t curtail it. The most she did was give my son a disapproving look, after which he stopped berating the boy.

I’ve told my grandson he can get help by talking to his school counselor or a teacher. Should I just butt out? – Grandma in the South

Dear Grandma: Your best ally is your daughter-in-law, who seems to be the only one with any influence over your son. Call her. Tell her you can see that she is a good mother and you hope she will work with her husband to be a better parent. The way he treats his son will not only have a lifelong impact on the boy’s emotional well-being, but will adversely affect his daughter, as well. Suggest she talk to her pediatrician about it.