Be patient as beau settles into job

Dear Carolyn: Recently, my boyfriend started a new job. We’ve been dating for more than five years, and live together. The job is exciting and in a field he’s interested in, and the company is very young with tons of people our age (mid-20s) all working together in a very creative and collaborative environment. They go out to bars, drink in the office sometimes, and go on trips together for bonding that spouses and partners aren’t invited to. Also, he is expected to work late almost every day.

I’m having a hard time adjusting to his not being home, and I feel so left out of his life. Can you help me get over my fears? I know he loves me and I’m not really worried about him cheating, I just feel less important in his life now. – S.

Your feelings sound completely justified, and here’s why: You have been sidelined, these are exciting developments for him, you are less important in his life right now, and there is no resolution. At least, not immediately.

What makes your position so difficult here is that significant elements of his huge life change are beyond your boyfriend’s control.

He could, of course, quit this job – but would you, in his shoes? I hope not; it sounds like winning the career lottery. He could, of course, skip the bonding trips. But would you? I hope not – that’s career suicide at Teamwork Inc.

Were you committed for life, this answer would be different. Were you 18, also different. But you’re adults-in-progress in a commitment-in-progress, and that suggests neither permanence nor futility.

As such, I have this highly unsatisfying advice: Wait. When he settles into this job and the buzz wears off, you’ll both see more clearly whether you want to be home together, out together, or neither of the above.

To cultivate patience through this temporary limbo, think about this: You’ve got unexpected time to yourself. How can you best put it to use?