Slouch shares some entries from Tuffy’s Iditarod diary

The Iditarod Sled Trail Dog Race – often called “The Last Great Race on Earth,” with 71 man-and-man’s- best-friend groups trekking across Alaska – is near its conclusion. Tuffy the Snow Prince, the outspoken 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch’s sled team, again agreed to keep a daily log for us. Here are excerpts of Tuffy’s Iditarod journal:

Day 1: I always skip the “ceremonial start” in Anchorage – it’s just a dog-and-pony show and we’ve got no ponies. … Prize money’s down this year, but you won’t see even crocodile tears coming out of my eyes, because we still get nothing. … Last time I went to the vet, I complained of lower back pain. His advice? “Walk it off. ”

If Sarah Palin’s right, we should be in Russia by Thursday.

Day 2: They’ve got some Jamaican musher up here for the first time. Now that’s what I call an underdog. … There’s also a Scottish entrant this year and he’s wearing a kilt. Kilts are fine – if you’re in Applebee’s. WE’RE IN SUBFREEZING TEMPS. … How do they think I’m going to have time to Tweet during this thing? … Last year was my worst Iditarod ever – I had IBS and forgot my iPod.

Nothing worse than an angry moose predawn.

Day 3: Three-time defending champion Lance Mackey’s brother Rick also won an Iditarod, as did their father Dick. Archie Manning never won a Super Bowl, did he? … I’m a little concerned – I heard they’re adding a halfpipe to the trail. … My favorite cough drops? Ricola! … I heard the Japanese sled had trouble with unexpected acceleration.

Crap! I forgot to fill out my brackets before I left.

Day 4: You know what kills me? Some frat boy plays Iditarod on Wii and thinks he can hack it out here. … We had no visibility today – I couldn’t even see Yukon Pete’s butt in front of me. … It’s about time they tested the mushers for drugs – we’re not the ones with Walgreen cards. … I’m suffering from dehydration, diarrhea and exhaustion, but – as we like to say – at least I’ve got my health.

Would it have killed them to put one stinkin’ husky in “Avatar”?

Day 5: It’s tough sledding out here for all of us, but I’ll still take the Iditarod Trail over I-95 any day of the week. … I hate it when they have us run at night – let’s see how much Bode Miller likes skiing downhill after dark. … Midway through the ’85 race, Uncle Dmitri ran away and joined the circus. Who could blame him?

Like an idiot, I didn’t bring a nail clipper.

Day 6: I want to soak my poor, aching paws every evening, but in these parts, a bucket of hot water turns into a bucket of ice in a Wasilla minute. … I love the windswept coast. There’s a little Samoyed with whom I’ve shacked up for years in Unalakleet. … Man, I’m famished here. What is this, Yom Kippur for dogs?

You can have the Pacific Ocean, I’m a Bering Sea boy.

Day 7: I can’t prove it, but I think one of the dogs on Jeff King’s team is wearing a wire for the ASPCA. … Every musher has some heart-rending story; heaven forbid they ever interview a dog. … Where’s that global warming? I’m dyin’ to go for a swim. … I hope my lawyer gets me a cut of the Iditarod-on-PlayStation revenue. … I hate it when we stop in Rohn. Absolutely nothing to do here. … They never enforce the no-barking-after-midnight rule.

Day 8: I’ll tell you what easy living is – being one of those Dalmatians working with a fire engine company. … I hate to admit my mom was right, but now I know the value of a high school diploma. … No TV coverage this year? We’re tailor-made for tape delay on NBC. … When morale lags, Spoons always has us watch “Snow Dogs” on DVD before turning in. … I’m so tired, I can’t even lift my leg to pee.

Ask The Slouch

Q. New York Gov. David Paterson is in trouble because he got free tickets to the World Series last fall. Don’t sportswriters always get into the World Series for free? (Barry Gross; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Yes, plus we eat free food in the press box and expense mileage driven to the stadium. Other than having to talk to half-naked athletes and having to, uh, you know, write, it’s the best job in America.

Q. In light of the recent European casino caper, will you begin packing heat for your domestic poker gig? (H. Jack Mitchell; South Charleston, W.Va.)

A. I am robbery-proof: I never win, so I have no money.

Q. Do you consider marrying Toni to be your “signature win”? (Andy Sikorski; Greenfield, Wis.)

A. I do, but, to be honest, Toni considers it her “signature loss.”

Q. The demolition of Giants Stadium is underway. If they actually do find Jimmy Hoffa’s remains under one of the end zones, will they rebury it in the new stadium and bill his estate for a PSL? (Mike Ganis; Houston)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. When it’s time to leave this Earth, who will greet us at the pearly gates, Saint Peter or Joe Lunardi? (Andrew Turak; Pittsburgh)

A. I think we just found the fourth wise man.