March 19, 2010 in Features

Push brother and he may pull away

Washington Post
 

Hi, Carolyn: My family has a tricky wicket. A year ago September my brother, at 22, received a yearlong work visa for Australia. While my parents weren’t thrilled he’d be away (we’re a close family), they are relatively supportive of our choices and try to not be obstructive.

A year later, my brother had to return to the States, but not before falling in love with a local. None of us likes her. Now he’s totally smitten and plans to leave immediately to spend another six months with her in Australia.

I think the part that really upsets my parents is that he’s literally thousands of miles away, and has shown zero interest in getting a job or taking some semblance of adult responsibility. My brother is a smart, talented college graduate but can’t see the forest for the trees with this Aussie serving as a shiny distraction. Mom is crushed, Dad is nonresponsive and neither my sister nor I can talk sense into him. – Anonymous

Has anyone made a connection between the family’s deep investment in his life choices and his sluggish start on adulthood? Just asking.

The best remedy for a 23-year-old with an unappealing girlfriend is to support his right to choose while you hope the thing runs its course.

And the best remedy for a 23-year-old who is slow to assume responsibility is to remove the financial crutch.

Pulling out all the emotional whips and chains – where the “crushed” and “non-responsive” hand-wringers “talk sense into” and “lay into” someone? That tears families apart. Actually, that’s often what makes distractions so shiny. Mates who are a direct challenge to family absolutes can seem like oxygen to someone smothered by those absolutes.

Please just love your brother and back off. If you want him home, make home a safe (read: non-invasive) place to be.

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One comment on this story so far. Add yours!

  • Hcklbery on March 20 at 11:47 a.m.

    WHAT A BUNCH OF CROCK!!!
    If a loved one is destroying their lives and there is a healthy family (sibling an parental) bond than by all means stir the thing up, let him know how disappointed in him and afraid you are for him, LET HIM KNOW HE IS LOVED AND CARED ABOUT, THAT IT MATTERS TO YOU, AND THAT HIS LIFE IS NOT AN ISLAND BUT EFFECTS DEEPLY HIS LOVED ONES AS WELL.
    If he is adamant THEN agree to disagree and throw your whole hearted support behind him. And if your proven right NEVER be I told you so but we all make mistakes and that’s how we grow but we ALWAYS stand behind each other in love and support for each other, through thick or thin, period, may not always agree and will let are disagreements be known but never NEVER just lethargically go along like it’s your life do what you want, it’s oh well to us.
    WHOEVER WROTE THIS ADVICE NEEDS TO STICK TO BURNING BURGERS AT DAIRY QUEEN.

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