March 29, 2010 in Features

Mr. Dad: Stay-at-home plan means big changes

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Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I decided that we want one parent at home with our child full time – at least until he starts preschool. Since she earns more than I do, it looks like I’ll be a stay-at-home dad. What am I in for?

A: Deciding to be a stay-at-home dad is a big decision, one that will affect everyone in your family. There are wonderful benefits to you and your child. But before you pull the trigger, you and your wife need to consider the following questions:

•Can you take the career hit? This is big, since earning power and masculinity are inextricably linked in so many people’s minds. You may be able to keep a finger in the work world by consulting or starting a home-based business. But if you return to the workforce later, the gap on your resume could cause problems with potential employers.

•Can you handle the pressure? Some people will come right out and tell you that you really should be out there bringing in some money. Even if you don’t hear the actual words, you may feel the need to demonstrate that even though you’ve chosen not to earn money, you could if you really wanted to. Some of that pressure is external, some comes from within.

•Do you have a job description? What are your responsibilities? Will you be doing all the laundry, shopping and cooking? Some of it?

•Can you handle the isolation and the workload? Staying home with a child can be a tough, lonely job. It can also be a little mind-numbing (I say this from experience).

•Are you selfless enough? Say goodbye to personal time and get used to putting your children’s needs above yours. Always.

•Is your skin thick enough? Women – whether they’re moms, nannies, baby sitters – tend not to welcome men into their groups wherever it is that people take their kids during the day.

You’ll have to get used to the funny looks and stupid comments from people when you’re out with your child. (“Hey, are you baby-sitting today?” is one that always bugs me. “No, bozo, I’m not baby-sitting, I’m a dad and I’m taking care of my children.”)

•How thick is your wife’s skin? When you’re the primary parent, your child will run to you when he wants a hug or has a skinned knee. If mom tries to provide that hug, he may push her away. I’ve been on both sides of this and can tell you that it hurts. A lot.

•Do you have a re-entry plan? It’s good to have a plan for how long your at-home stint will last, and what you’ll do afterward.

In reality, you won’t be as alone out there as it might seem. At least 2 million stay-at-home dads are doing it every day, and the number is rising all the time.

You may have to dig, but there are a lot of great resources out there, including athomedad.net and slowlane.com.

Find resources for fathers at www.mrdad.com

Two comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  GeliaNelsey on March 29 at 1:37 a.m.

  Need a job? With new Obama Health Care Plan, we are going to insure additional 33 Million people. There is going to be huge demand for Medical Assistants, Medical Billing, Medical Coding, Pharmacy Assistant & Pharmacy Technician across the nation. We can help you get a training during weekends and evenings and get a degree in few months. With the degree finding a job will be easy, contact for more information at http://bit.ly/9eV3nr this is your chance

• 

  Teseract on March 29 at 5:29 p.m.

  I know how hard it can be, being a stay at home Dad. I did it for 3 months when my wife and I were first married and I was laid off. The situation was made more difficult by the children being my step kids, who I’d been involved in caring for since they were both born.

  The house was generally clean, the kids always had clothes to wear, After 3 months of her family’s nasty comments behind my back about me being a loser, a leech, worthless, etc, my wife caved to their opinions and we had a huge fight over it.

  Finally, I got a job (which did end up paying more than what my wife made) and she stayed home with the kids. Even she admits that she’s a horrible housewife. The kids live off canned pasta and hot dogs because she doesn’t want to cook, the house is always filthy (unless my Mother in Law is coming over), the laundry is perpetually overflowing the hamper in a huge mound, etc.

  One night I got fed up with it and finally did all the laundry (after coming home from my 10 hour shift at work) and found items that had been missing for 3 months at the bottom of the hamper!

  But hey, at least I’m doing what society expects of me as a man, even if the kids are worse off for it.