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Doug Clark: Guild tape would tell different tale

(The following may or may not be a transcript from an emergency meeting of the Spokane Police Guild’s Dirty Tricks Committee that may or may not exist. Either way, no names are being used in order to protect the 276 members who have the poor luck to belong to such a shabby organization as the Police Guild.)

PRESIDENT – “All right, you guys. Put down your doughnuts and pay attention. We have serious Police Guild business to discuss.”

COP 1 – “Gee, ya think?”

PREZ – “I said, pipe down! Now I realize some of you guys are pretty steamed. That’s understandable. We took a major butt-whuppin’ this week when the vote numbers on our effort to smear the chief leaked out onto the front page of that (&^$#$!!!) Spokesman-Review rag.”

COP 2 – “I told ya going after Anne Kirkpatrick was a big mistake. Sure, maybe she’s lost some power by applying for the Seattle police chief job …”

COP 3 – “But the public still positively loves her and all that police accountability and departmental high standards crap she’s always harping about.”

PREZ – “That stuff’s poison to a union.”

COP 2 – “I hear ya. But then after the vote you had to go around telling everybody how the guild had ‘no confidence’ in the chief without revealing what our actual ballot numbers were.”

PREZ – “Disclosing our vote numbers is against guild policy.”

COP 1 – “Oh, go Tase yourself. Even that smartass columnist Clark saw through the scheme. He said the guild vote was more rigged than an Iranian election.”

PREZ – “I hate that jerk.”

COP 3 – “Now thanks to some rotten stoolie, the whole world knows we had 112 voting in favor of no confidence in Kirkpatrick with 79 voting for her. But the worst part was that more than 80 of our members abstained or didn’t even vote.”

PREZ – “Kinda looks bad, huh?”

COP 3 – “No shootin’, Sherlock.”

COP 2 – “When I find out who it was ratted us out, why, I’ll handcuff the louse to a chair and treat him to a couple hours of the ol’ SPD wet phone book interrogation.”

COP 1 – “Ah, those were the days when police work was so rewarding.”

PREZ – “OK. OK. Calm down. What’s done is done. What we gotta do now is regroup cuz the general public thinks we’re …”

COP 1 – “Bozos! That’s what. A buncha corrupt, badge-wearin’ BOZOS!!!”

PREZ – “We just need to change our image. That’s all. Anybody got an idea?”

COP 2 – “I still say my original suggestion has merit.”

PREZ – “You mean reporting Chief Kirkpatrick’s home address as a meth lab?”

COP 2 – “I’d do it anonymously, of course.”

PREZ – “Ohhhh, brother.”

COP 1 – “Hey, I’ve got it. I know what we can do.”

PREZ – “What?”

COP 1 – “We could all become accountable. We could all try to live up to the high calling of what police work is supposed to be. No more wasting time on cheap politics. We could all dedicate ourselves to what Chief Kirkpatrick has been talking about. You know, being the role models that the citizens and little kids can look up to.”


COP 1 – “Haaaawwwww. Got ya, didn’t I?”

PREZ (laughing) – “Oh, you’re such a joker. OK, meeting adjourned. Now somebody pass me one of them bear claws.”

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at