The Slice: The bear essentials of parenting
Mother’s Day seems like the perfect occasion to tell you about a self-help book I’m planning.
It’s to be called “Northwest Parenting the Grizzly Way.” I hope it will be ready by Christmas.
My plan is to interview grizzly bear sows and solicit from them tips and advice about raising happy, healthy cubs. I’m sure this will be a hit with human mothers.
Here are just a few of the topics I intend to cover:
The horribilis “look” that stops backtalk dead in its tracks.
What to do when your kids won’t eat their elk.
Keeping the young ones safe from a father who is an unruly animal.
What to do if your child shows no interest in mauling.
Will between-meals carrion ruin their appetite?
Someone might be threatening your young: Is responding with a kill-bite always the answer?
Youth sports: When is raking your claws over the referee’s torso the right call?
When other mothers’ cubs seem to be catching on quicker about snagging salmon.
Will you harm your offspring by telling them they are cute?
Overheard: A Spokane mother noted that those tall, skinny paper bags you get from liquor stores can be perfect for kids taking lunches or whatever to school.
A dozen TV moms who could have been in Spokane once upon a time: 12. Marge Simpson, “The Simpsons.” 11. Kitty Foreman, “That ’70s Show.” 10. Estelle Costanza, “Seinfeld.” 9. Norma Arnold, “The Wonder Years.” 8. Marion Cunningham, “Happy Days.” 7. Lorelai Gilmore, “The Gilmore Girls.” 6. Jill Taylor, “Home Improvement.” 5. Elyse Keaton, “Family Ties.” 4. Debra Barone, “Everybody Loves Raymond.” 3. Roseanne Conner, “Roseanne.” 2. Wilma Flintstone, “The Flintstones.” 1. June Cleaver, “Leave it to Beaver”
Today’s Slice question: Are mothers the worst offenders when it comes to cell phones and driving?
Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098; e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. When people say “It takes a village…,” does that include the village idiot?