The Slice: Birthday party platform

I’ve had many meals in the big dining room at my mother’s retirement community.

But until the other night, no one had held a microphone up to my face before dessert.

Let me back up a bit.

It was birthday night, an occasion to salute all the residents born in May. And the activities maven, the irrepressible Betty, was the MC.

Before calling out the names of the honorees and leading us in singing “Happy Birthday,” she wanted to work the room a little. So, before switching on the public address system, she approached a few residents about their willingness to answer “conversation starter” questions a bit later. Well, a few residents and yours truly, to be precise.

So I knew in advance that my question would be, “What would you do if you could be president of the U.S. for one day?”

Not wanting to make any ultra-conservative white-haired celebrators choke on their baked potato, I decided to forego sharing my bold political agenda.

Hey, I’m on friendly terms with some of those good people. Why ruin that with a birthday-night shouting match about energy policy?

So when Betty turned to me for her big finish, I stood and announced that I would appoint myself chairman for life of a federal commission charged with regulating baby names.

This body would insist that parents of newborns select actual names, properly spelled.

I’m told that a murmur of approval washed over the room. But I wasn’t through. While Betty continued holding the microphone, I specified that, of course, any and all ethnic names and unusual family names would be perfectly acceptable.

“But it has to be a real name,” I said.

Then I suggested that this new commission could use the residential rosters of senior living facilities as its starter list of allowable first names.

In a room full of people with monikers like Don and Dorothy, that didn’t hurt my presidential approval rating.

Today’s Slice question: Ever forget how old you are?