Ease boundaries with in-laws, baby

Hi, Carolyn: Our second baby is due soon. My very caring and loving in-laws are coming to visit. From our firstborn, we’ve learned that they have this stance of “We’ve raised X kids and taken care of Y grandkids, so we know what we’re doing.”

Great, I know their kids and grandkids are great. However, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t respect the way we, the new parents, prefer to do things in OUR house with OUR kids.

The first time around I was too chicken, and ignorant, to speak up. This time, I would really like to set some boundaries without hurting anyone’s feelings. How do I go about having the conversation, “I’d really prefer you check with me before you decide to give the newborn a bath, or dress the newborn in an outfit of your choice for a special occasion,” etc.? – Baltimore

You, ah, don’t.

That’s because a bath and outfit are parental chickenfeed. Unless there’s a bath- or outfit-related health or safety issue, there’s no great consequence to letting the grandparents fuss in this way.

In such cases, make no mistake, letting them fuss is your best move – especially for your in-laws’ sense of involvement and your kids’ bond with their grandparents, but also for your peace of mind. Namely, you’re not going to get any if you put your weight into emotionally charged battles you don’t need to win.

The battle you do need to win is to establish your parental authority, and you do that by figuring out important, consequential ways in which you differ from your in-laws on childrearing, and set your boundaries there. You will want to be the one who fusses sometimes, yes. But assert that case-by-case, not by fiat: “I’d like to do bath tonight, thanks.”

Otherwise, though? Embrace that these grandparents are present, responsible on the important stuff, and offering you a little break – if not now, then soon – and overrule your territorial growl.