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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Beliefs heavier than you think

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve had a big crush on a friend of mine for a while, and after a couple of successful friend dates, I finally told her I like-liked her. After much deliberation, she told me that, though she likes me a lot, she takes dating really seriously, wouldn’t normally date anyone she wouldn’t marry, and wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t share her religious beliefs (which I don’t).

She said she was really conflicted in this instance though, and asked me what I thought, so I told her I thought she could cross the marriage bridge when she came to it, and was probably denying herself a lot of chances to have fun, and learn about herself, life and relationships, etc.

She doesn’t seem to know what she wants; we kissed the other night, I think her first (we’re in our mid-20s), but she said she still doesn’t want to get involved. Then she tells me she’s really conflicted, and we hang out again … I like her a lot, so I want to give her a chance to figure out what she wants to do. What do you think of her position on dating? Am I barking up the wrong tree questioning her beliefs, or even trying to date her? – Godless

Both of us can speculate ourselves silly about her position on dating and yours on trees, but the more useful mental exercise might be to assume the obvious is true: Her brain says no and her newly smooched body says yes.

Puts you in an interesting position, doesn’t it.

While she’s a grown woman who can make her own choices, there is something sketchy about fueling a physical temptation while feeding her ways to rationalize around her beliefs. “Have fun,” “learn about yourself,” “cross the marriage bridge when you come to it”? You’re the devil on her shoulder.

What you’re whispering in her ear isn’t technically bad; I advise such social exploration myself. But you’ve got a powerful ulterior motive, and she’s got a powerful value system that warrants your respect. So if you really do like her a lot, then at least try to think with her brain for a second – or just recognize she has concerns that she can’t dismiss as breezily as you can.

For example: If she does date you, can it be anything to her but a purely indulgent fling?

If she does have a fling, will she come to believe – after the adrenaline dissipates – that she betrayed herself?

If/when she does find someone she loves in her faith, will she regret said fling?

These are just conversation starters, not pre-answered questions. Being true to her beliefs doesn’t mean she’s prohibited from challenging them, especially since any beliefs worth having will withstand such scrutiny. There’s nothing to say her beliefs won’t or shouldn’t evolve under questioning.

I’m merely suggesting that you can show how much you care for her – and, not coincidentally, give your friendship its best chance at growing closer, no matter what transpires romantically – by respecting the magnitude of her conflict. After all, her religion helped shape this person you now admire. Ask her thoughtful questions, and question her assumptions even. Just don’t take lightly, or encourage her to take lightly, beliefs she counts on every day.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.