Clark: Teachable moments, practical solutions

Cpl. Clark returns once again to address your concerns about cops, courts and crime.

So let the learning begin.

Q – Another deadly police shooting. My Lord. How many does that make in the last few months. Five, six, seven … ?

Cpl. Clark – Yeah, it’s been a depressing streak. But I’m pretty sure the worst is over.

Q – What makes you so optimistic?

Cpl. Clark – We’re almost out of bullets.

Q – Bullets? Come on. Can’t the departments buy more bullets?

Cpl. Clark – In this economy? Dream on. If city officials keep gutting the police we’ll be so short on manpower, why, the Donut Parade could go broke.

Q – But couldn’t the Police Guild help out by pitching in and making concessions and scaling back on raises and … ?

Cpl. Clark – That’ll happen when Randy Quaid becomes secretary of state.

Q – But we can’t keep cutting the police. How will Spokane residents be safe?

Cpl. Clark – Don’t worry. City leaders always leave enough officers in the field for essentials.

Q – You mean like investigating homicides and busting dope rings?

Cpl. Clark – Naw, I mean like pulling us over and writing traffic tickets. Nothing’s more essential to the Spokane City Council than racking up revenue.

Q – Those red light intersection cameras, say?

Cpl. Clark – Now you’re getting the picture.

Q – But where does that leave real crime fighting?

Cpl. Clark – Oh, don’t count on any of that. We’ll continue to be preyed upon.

Q – You mean by drug store stick-up men?

Cpl. Clark – Worse. I mean real rascals like the Spokane Fire Department battalion chiefs. That gang nailed us for $312,000 in overtime pay as of mid-October.

Q – That does hurt, doesn’t it?

Cpl. Clark – Jesse James never did anything that heinous.

Q – Well, he did rob a lot of banks and trains.

Cpl. Clark – What era are you living in? I was talking about that tattooed louse who cheated on poor Sandra Bullock.

Q – Funny you should mention vermin. Did you see the Sunday newspaper story about bedbugs showing up in the Tri-Cities?

Cpl. Clark – Show a little respect. In Spokane County we call them commissioners.

Q – As long as we’re on the commission, what do you make of it turning entirely Republican now that Al French has beaten Bonnie Mager to join Mark Richard and Todd Mielke?

Cpl. Clark – It reminds me a lot of that now banned caffeine-and-alcohol drink that made those college kids deathly ill.

Q – Four Loko?

Cpl. Clark – No. Three Locos.

Q – Hey, did you hear the rumor that Steve Tucker went as The Invisible Prosecutor for Halloween?

Cpl. Clark – Life has been known to imitate art.

Q – And what about that voice mail message you received from a woman regarding Tucker?

Cpl. Clark – You mean the one about the county prosecutor playing golf the day after being re-elected?

Q – Yep. That one.

Cpl. Clark – Well, if it isn’t true, it certainly should be.

Q – And what’s your take on the big scandal at the Chelan County Jail?

Cpl. Clark – You mean where inmates could have sex and drugs as long as they paid off one of the guards?

Q – Yeah. What do you think?

Cpl. Clark – It sounds like just the answer we’ve been looking for.

Q – The answer? To what?

Cpl. Clark – To funding a new jail. Let the inmates pay to play. Plus put a camera in every cell. Get a website and – wham! – we’re rolling in revenue. Think about it. A lot of sick puppies will watch hoosegow hookups on the Internet.

Q – Cpl. Clark, I’m shocked! Do you really think charging people to watch felons do the wham bam slam you ma’am is an appropriate way to fund a new jail?

Cpl. Clark – No. But it’s certainly a more acceptable alternative than what the officials have been proposing.

Q – What’s the alternative?

Cpl. Clark – They stand back and watch us taxpayers getting …