November 21, 2010 in City

Clark: Security at airports is not a pretty picture

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Like many body-conscious Americans, I’ve been worrying all week about how much to put out next time I’m at the airport.

Do I go through the new Mr. Peeper’s Magic X-Ray Scanner so that Transportation Security Administration snoops can laugh at my flabby naked acreage?

Or do I let some random TSA worker feel me up like a prom date in the back seat of a Buick LeSabre?

Decisions. Decisions.

Look, I don’t want anyone to get the idea that Doug Clark is easy. No sir!

Even so, I will probably opt for the fondling.

All I’m asking is for my TSA groper to be gentle.

Light a scented candle, maybe. Put on some soft music …

Definitely put on a fresh pair of gloves!

A bit of chit-chat would ease the tension. You know, like …

“Hi, my name’s Doug. I’m an Aries. That’s the sign of the Ram, but then you’ve probably determined that by now.”

I’m old-fashioned, I guess. I still believe in the importance of developing a one-on-one relationship before jumping all the way into a see-through photo shoot.

The airport security screening controversy has polarized the country into two groups.

One group is sputtering like a jet engine that has inhaled a flock of geese. These people are madder than hell over having their genitals jiggled or gawked at by strangers.

The other group is thrilled that you can now join the Mile High Club without leaving the terminal.

Despite the outcry, however, the federal government is standing pat on pat-downs.

Our leaders believe the best way to fight underwear bombers is to check out everybody’s underwear.

This sort of thinking reminds me of a teacher I knew who used to punish the entire class whenever the worst kid acted out.

And let me tell you, that made my classmates very hostile toward me.

But as I was saying, this security screening is not the bed of begonias you’d think it would be, especially if you’re one of the poor screeners.

Let’s get real. The average human being does not look like Kate Middleton. Come on. If that leggy British babe were in the nude scanning line, the TSA would be selling tickets.

Sadly, the average human being looks a lot more like the Queen Mum, who is deceased, or, even worse, Prince Charles.

Think about going to work and having to touch or look at unattractive saggy humanity hour after hour after hour …

And you thought my editors had it rough.

You can’t blame the TSA for installing airsick bags in the screening areas.

We should never forget, of course, that what this is all about is terrorism.

Yes, thanks to these dehumanizing and invasive procedures, the hours prior to takeoff are now every bit as terrifying as the actual flight itself.

So what should you do?

Well, I don’t recommend doing what the software engineer did recently at the San Diego airport. The man was eighty-sixed after rejecting both the security groin grab and the digital strip search.

His “don’t touch my junk” has now become a battle cry for the angry air-traveling masses.

But playing hard to get won’t increase our air miles. Unless we plan on going everywhere by Greyhound, we’re all going to have to put up with the TSA examining our assets and liabilities.

Gads. The last time an airport got this perverted Larry Craig was tapping his toes in a toilet stall.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.

11 comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  WillyPeter on November 21 at 7:42 a.m.

  Here’s the solution…move Kate Middleton to the ‘groping fondler’ job… no guy is gonna complain. Having Johnny Depp working the other line will make the gals happy. Then make me TSA Chief and this cultural puzzle will disappear. It’s all so simple…

• 

  Albert on November 21 at 7:42 a.m.

  Doug, in your “fun way”, you have undertaken a serious problem that plagues Americans. Thank you again.

  I have elected to drive…not kidding…and if 90% can’t be done electronically, then I guess I need to pass. The disgust of adventure wanes poorly and I won’t participate. I remember an older Arnold Schwarzenegger futuristic movie wherein this identical event took place on the screen. We all gasped…laughed… and now here we have it in operation. All because a group of dedicated religious terrorists would like to kill anyone who is not a part of their belief system.

  No thank you, I’ll drive, sleep with the bed bugs, and arrive a bit late.

• 

  EdubU on November 21 at 8:08 a.m.

  Larry Craig is now begging to fly commericial. In fact, he wants to be at the head of the line now.

• 

  Runway on November 21 at 9:00 a.m.

  Even if you agree to be scanned, you can be forced to do an enhanced pat down in addition to being scanned.

  The scanners can only detect metal. They cannot detect powder, liquid or plastic explosives. The old fashioned metal detectors worked just fine.

  Note: 45,000 of the 50,000 people who work for the TSA need no law enforcement or security background nor do not need a high school diploma. The lowest paid people who work for TSA are on the front lines.

  Whatever you do, don’t ask questions, don’t complain and don’t backout of the screening process or you could be arrested and/or fined $10,000.00usd.

  There is no oversight agency for the TSA. You have no recourse other than to wage a complaint after the fact and hope you don’t land on a ‘no fly’ list.

  www.optoutday.com

• 

  misjustice on November 21 at 12:05 p.m.

  I like the Johnny Depp idea…

  Here’s last night’s SNL skit on the TSA…

  http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/7398235-saturday-night-live-spoof-on-the-tsa/video/67046621

• 

  Peaches624 on November 21 at 2:38 p.m.

  The SOLUTION: Have one flight a day for all those who do not want Scans/Patterdowners/Gropers. They can take their chances. Me, I only want to fly with those that submit to them. IF the Scan personnel want to refuse the ugly/smelly/flabby etc by reason of seniority they can refuse, those that do not pass the America Beautiful test will have to take their chances.
  PROBLEM SOLVED !

• 

  dominifamily4081 on November 21 at 4:22 p.m.

  let’s hope the cargo and luggage are subject to the same level of gropping, frisking, and x-raying as the passengers.

• 

  misjustice on November 21 at 4:57 p.m.

  The law requiring screening of air cargo on all planes just went into effect this summer. However, it has not (largely) been implemented. Why? $$$$$$

  “US Representative Edward J. Markey is vowing to seek legislation that would require screening of all packages on cargo planes in the United States for explosives — a move that could lead to shipping delays and higher costs for consumers.”

  “…Markey wrote the bill that became a law requiring all cargo on domestic and international passenger planes flying into the United States to be screened starting Aug. 1.”

  “…Markey included the screening in the first bill, but said opposition from the air freight industry prevented Congress from including cargo planes at the time.”

  “Indeed, according to the Airforwarders Association, an alliance of air carriers, cargo airlines, and affiliated businesses in the global transportation community, the Aug. 1 law requiring 100 percent screening of cargo on passenger planes will require 9,000 new federal employees at a cost of over $700 million in the first year alone, and could drive shippers “to the point of near bankruptcy.’’

  http://www.boston.com/business/articles/2010/11/02/markey_to_push_for_air_cargo_screening/

  So, big bidness gives push back on screening regs while the flying public gets submitted to necked pics and underwear probing? And after being so viewed and prodded, that same flying public gets herded onto a plane that has cargo in it’s hold that, in all likelihood, has NOT BEEN SCREENED!

• 

  hawken on November 21 at 5:20 p.m.

  Marksman… posted this on another string…. I read it…. as should you! It is quite detailed and very informative…. and very effective!

  I’m wondering why the TSA hasn’t adopted the Isralei airport security procedures?

  http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/744199–israelification-high-security-little-bother

• 

  Fritz on November 21 at 9:54 p.m.

  Just wait, Doug. Guess what happens the first time they discover a terrorist with an explosive device concealed in a body cavity. That’s right, can you say Speculum and Endoscope and TSA in the same sentence without the hair standing up on the back of your neck? Yikes! The back seat of that LeSabre is looking better all the time.

• 

  ItoldUso on November 22 at 1:32 a.m.

  Here’s a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
  All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be no racial profiling, nor discrimination, and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
  This is so simple that it’s brilliant. I can see it now: you’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, We now have a seat ready for our stand-by passenger
  Another idea. Don’t put your undie’s on, just place them in your pocket. Upon approaching the TSA agent hand them your undie’s.
  Now their is no need for any pat down or body x-ray.