(Deep movie-announcer voice.) In a world where Thanksgiving comes every year, there is one man who knows more about stuffing than Kim Kardashian’s corset maker.
Welcome, holiday lovers, to the fifth annual episode of Ask Professor Pilgrim.
In a moment, the professor will begin his tradition of answering your T-Day concerns. But first, we have been asked to announce the following closures:
Schools, banks, City Hall, post offices and Bristol Palin’s dancing career.
And now, on with the show.
Q. Professor Pilgrim, do you have any new recipes for us?
A. Yes: 2 cloves garlic; 1 Tbsp. horseradish; and a large slice of Limburger cheese.
Q. Will this make the turkey tastier?
A. No. But this will shorten the time you spend with your TSA airport groper. Make sure to chew up a big mouthful prior to pat-down. Then pant like a winded dog.
Q. Think it’ll work?
A. Only if your screener has a sense of smell. Just don’t expect much love once you make it onto the airplane.
Q. Speaking of odors, news broke this week about a study conducted by the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Center of Chicago. It showed that men are actually sexually aroused by the scent of pumpkin pie. What do you think?
A. I’m highly skeptical.
Q. That pumpkin pie has an aphrodisiac effect on men?
A. Naw. What I don’t believe is that there’s a Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Center in Chicago. That sounds totally made up to me.
Q. But do you accept the findings?
A. Oh, yes. Professor Pilgrim has intimate knowledge regarding the seductive power of certain edibles.
A. The professor, in fact, once had a torrid affair in a motel room with a voluptuous chocolate cheesecake and a precocious banana cream pie.
Q. What happened?
A. It was sweet while it lasted. But like all of my food flings, they eventually left me feeling empty inside.
Q. On a happier note, what is Professor Pilgrim most thankful for this Thanksgiving?
A. The same thing all Americans should be thankful about.
Q. Family and friends?
A. No. That we live far enough away from North Korea to not be hit by artillery shells.
Q. Getting back to the subject of food … Have you ever cooked a turducken? You know, where you pack a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey?
A. No. But last election night I rubbed elbows with a lot of turkeys wrapped in blowhards wrapped in phonies.
Q. What do you call them?
Q. You don’t have a lot of friends do you, Professor Pilgrim?
A. I’ve never had to blow the budget on Christmas cards.
Q. By the way, we’re having a vegetarian over this Thanksgiving. Any suggestions?
A. Once we’re all seated at the table, I instruct everyone to join hands while I sing that famous Beatles song about love and harmony. “All I am saying is give meat a chance.”
Q. Er, wasn’t that song about giving “peace” a chance?
A. Yes. But I’m pretty sure they meant a piece of meat.
Q. Are the rumors true that you watched every TV episode of “The Next Iron Chef”?
A. Guilty as charged.
Q. Did it teach you much about fine cuisine?
A. It taught me even more about my lack of a life.
Q. A lot of people claim they learned how to cook by watching their mothers in the kitchen. Did your mom teach you anything?
A. Yes, how to keep the wine away from Dad.
Q. Last year one of my relatives knocked over a candle and dripped wax all over my heirloom linen tablecloth. Do you have any removal tips?
A. I prefer standing up, pointing to the door and yelling: “Get out of my house, you clumsy fool!”
Q. I meant getting rid of the stain, not the relative.
A. What do you think this is, Hints from Heloise? You’re on your own on the candle wax.
Q. Before we sign off for another year, could you let us all in on how you plan to prepare your turkey?
A. Oh, Professor Pilgrim won’t be cooking a turkey this year.
Q. What? No turkey on Thanksgiving? That’s outrageous.
A. Not at all. I’ve tossed the turkey in favor of a main course that is more in keeping with all the recent cop shootings.
Q. What Thanksgiving dish could be appropriate for flying bullets?