DOUG’S 5th DISTRICT DEBATE DIARY:
Tuesday, 6:59 p.m. – Here I am, flopped on the couch in front of my big Sony HD flat screen. The off again/on again drama between U.S. Rep. Cathy “Big Mama” McMorris Rodgers and her Democrat opponent, Daryl “Raindrops” Romeyn, is over. The candidates finally stopped making up stories about their imaginary scheduling commitments and are about to square off for a televised debate.
7:00 – Oh, boy. Nadine Woodward’s the moderator. I love Nadine. It’s so great to see her land on her feet at KXLY after those bullies at KREM sent her packing like a felon at a day care.
7:01 – Rules? Aw, come on, Nadine. Nobody told me there were going be rules. What a buzz kill. I was hoping to watch MoRo and Romeyn insult each other’s lineage for the next hour.
7:02 – Romeyn opens the show saying that the American Dream and our quality of life are at stake in this election. By the looks of that oversized and rumpled white shirt he’s wearing I’d say America’s fashion sense has reached a crisis point, too.
7:03 – Speaking of fashion, get a load of the electric green sport coat on MoRo. If I squint my eyes it’s 1968 all over again.
7:04 – Or is it chartreuse? I never know what to call that color. Believe it or not, I once actually tried to buy a leather couch that very same hue but my lovely wife, Sherry, pointed out that our den was not Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
7:06 – Romeyn says we should spend our tax dollars on a north-south freeway. The man actually believes that myth? What else do you want to toss our money away on, Daryl, health care for Sasquatch?
7:12 – McMorris Rodgers says she campaigned for deficit reduction. And now we’re like $3 trillion in the hole? Hey, Cathy. Nice job!
7:14 – Whoa. Check out the lip sweat on Romeyn. I haven’t seen that amount of moisture buildup since the Nixon/Kennedy debates.
Seeing it sparkle in high definition makes me want to go back to analog TV.
7:15 – You know, if there is one legacy that Tricky Dick left us, it’s this: A man should never go into a debate without first running a roll of Arrid Extra Dry under his beak.
7:16 – Jeter hits a double! Jeter hits a double! Why would they schedule this lame debate the same time as Game 4 of my Yankees vs. Rangers? Fortunately, like all men, I’m Quick Draw McGraw when it comes to flipping channels with a remote control.
7:26 – I’m really worried about my Yanks. They stole Game 1 in Texas and then dropped the next two. If they don’t get on the stick they’ll be deader than $2 gasoline.
7:27 – Oops. Where’d the time go? Better switch back to Hot Air Theater.
7:27 – Doesn’t look like I missed much. You know, if I had known how low-key this was going to be, I wouldn’t have made such a pro-debate ruckus in my Sunday column.
7:29 – Question: Do we put up walls or station armed guards at the border? Thank you, Robyn Nance. I’ll answer that one. I am terribly concerned about our border. It really irks me when the border cops get so huffy every time I come into the USA after a trip to Canada. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: A half-dozen Cuban Cohiba cigars does NOT constitute a security threat.
7:43 – Not long after discussing gays in the military, Romeyn outs himself as an organic farmer. “I grow organic asparagus, tree fruit and raspberries,” he says. “I want to get that fresh food in our schools, utilizing the funds that are already in school lunch programs so…”
7:44 – Zzzzzz…
Wednesday, 7:00 a.m. – Oh, my God. What happened? That debate was like swallowing a five-pound Ambien. I feel like Dorothy waking up after visiting Oz. Was it real? Or was it all just a weird, lip-sweaty dream?
7:01 – It was real, all right. The newspaper confirms it. Plus the Yankees lost. I hate politics.