Clark: It’s the spookiest season – and Halloween’s here, too
As that noted philosopher Donovan once observed, it “must be the season of the witch.”
Unless, of course, you are U.S. Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell, who swears she is absolutely NOT a witch!
She’s more of a right wing-nut.
But for your Halloweenish enjoyment, I have prepared the following seasonal multiple-choice quiz. Please circle your answers and clip the test out of the newspaper.
That way you could slip it in your mail-in ballot.
Or not. I certainly wouldn’t want to encourage anyone to do anything as silly and irresponsible as that.
So let’s get cackling and we’ll add up the scores at the end of the quiz.
1. The world’s most famous blood-sucker is …
A. Edward Cullen as played by Robert Pattinson. (1 bat)
B. Count Dracula as portrayed by Bela Lugosi. (3 bats)
C. Countess Taxulot as played by Nancy Pelosi. (5 bats)
2. Safety-minded trick-or-treaters can light their way around neighborhoods by …
A. Carrying a flashlight. (1 bat)
B. Toting orange glow sticks. (3 bats)
C. Borrowing Cathy McMorris Rodgers’ DayGlo green debate jacket. (5 bats)
3. The Mummy is an ancient, dusty and slow-moving gray creature who …
A. Shambled out of an Egyptian tomb. (1 bat)
B. Escaped the confines of his museum sarcophagus. (3 bats)
C. Is campaigning for 6th District state representative under the name John Ahern. (5 bats)
4. The Spokane Valley’s most popular Halloween games include …
A. Carving pumpkins. (1 bat)
B. Bobbing for apples. (3 bats)
C. Dodging cop bullets. (5 bats)
5. This is the creepy time of year when …
A. Goblins come out to play. (1 bat)
B. Things go bump in the night. (3 bats)
C. The dead show up to vote in Chicago. (5 bats)
6. Edgar Allen Poe is best known for writing horror classics such as …
A. “The Raven.” (1 bat)
B. “The Masque of the Red Death” (3 bats)
C. “Fall of the House of Tucker” (5 bats)
7. Halloween’s dirtiest tricksters have been known to …
A. Soap windows and toilet-paper yards. (1 bat)
B. Burn bags of poo on front porches. (3 bats)
C. Send out thousands and thousands of ballot envelopes with incumbent Spokane County Auditor Vicky Dalton’s name on them. (5 bats)
8. The most popular Halloween treat on campus is still …
A. Munching sticky popcorn balls. (1 bat)
B. Chewing on a candy apple. (3 bats)
C. Pounding a case or two of Four Loko. (5 bats)
9. The superstitious believe that nothing brings on bad luck during the season of the witch quite like …
A. Having a black cat cross your path. (1 bat)
B. Walking under a ladder. (3 bats)
C. Getting a Spokesman-Review political endorsement. (5 bats)
10. Want your costume to scare the bejeebers out of people this Halloween? You can’t miss with …
A. The Dino Rossi forked tongue. (1 bat)
B. The Patty Murray fright wig. (3 bats)
C. The Washington Gov. Chris Gargoyle mask. (5 bats.)
OK. It’s time to tally our scores. If you scored 16 bats or fewer, you are probably a humorless tea party member who hates the press and feels sorry for that sorceress O’Donnell.
A score of between 16 and 36 is still nothing to brag about. Even the Mariners have more bats than you do. And those boobs lost 101 games.
If you scored 50 bats, congratulations! You are battier than any belfry and I’m proud to have you as a reader.
Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.