Ask questions to help develop a loving eulogy

Q.I promised my mom that I would deliver the eulogy at her funeral. I have no idea how to keep this promise. Where do I begin?

A.Start the process by asking her what she would like you to focus on: her professional accomplishments, her relationships, her life as your mom? Choose a focus.

We have all attended memorial services where a mourner takes the microphone and simply weeps and sniffles through random spontaneous thoughts. Your mother deserves a better reflection on her life than sobs and the admission that you will miss her.

So write your words – now. Jot down stories, memories that characterize your mom’s life. Start with simple points of reference like her childhood and what she loved to do.

Gather stories from other family members or friends: Did your mother like to give directions even as a child? No wonder she grew up to manage a 10-person team at her workplace.

If she loved playing outside and digging in the dirt as a child, you can understand why she grew her own vegetables and made you stay at the table until you ate every last carrot.

Do not expose her secrets. Announcing that “mom was pregnant with me when she married dad” does not give dignity to her farewell. People keep secrets for a reason and those private details do not suddenly belong to others after the person has died.

Use humor as you tell stories. A few giggles may ease grief and offer comfort.

“My brothers and I remember when mom chased the school bus because we all forgot our sack lunches. She was wearing her flannel robe, carrying three bags filled with bologna sandwiches and yelling ‘Stop!’ Her love was in the details.”

Ask other people for their best memories and speak for them: “My brother, Jack, remembers the night before he left to join the Marines. Mom came into his room and simply asked what more she could do for him. ‘I knew she didn’t understand my choice, yet she never stopped me from pursuing my dream of a military career. My dreams became her dreams,’ Jack told me.”

A well-crafted eulogy is the last gift we can give our loved one. So start now: Write down your memories and experiences, along with those of others who love your mom, and you will have the essential elements of a eulogy, and a promise kept.

Q.What should I say in a condolence card?

A.The fact you are even writing one is a great start. People who have lost loved ones find a wellspring of comfort in condolence cards, no matter when they arrive.

And sometimes it’s better to wait a few weeks to send one, because survivors often feel even more bereft when the cards, emails and phone calls cease.

The best condolence cards go beyond the “we are sorry for your loss” and share an anecdote about the person who died.

These anecdotes convey that the person mattered and touched your life, no matter how briefly you knew the person. And they often reveal surprising sides to a loved one.

For instance, in the mid-1960s, Rebecca spent one summer in upstate New York, where many of the cousins on her father’s side lived. An older cousin, Bobby, put them up in an apartment he owned.

Rebecca’s sister, missing her high school boyfriend, called long distance every day to Spokane and racked up nearly $100 in phone bills.

When Bobby got the bill, rather than tell Rebecca’s father, who would have been very angry, he paid it. Only years later did Bobby recount the story to Rebecca.

She was able to write that anecdote to Bobby’s widow recently, who possessed one more example of her husband’s amazing generosity.

If you have a photo of the deceased person, include that. It gives grieving family members another, different snapshot of their loved one.

If you didn’t know the person who died – perhaps the mother or father of a work friend – you won’t be able to share an anecdote, but you can still offer words of comfort.

And if you’ve had an experience of grief, share that, briefly. For instance, you might let them know that grief is exhausting, no matter how much rest you get.

If you feel at a loss for words, relying on the message printed on the card is an OK substitute, especially if the alternative is sending no card at all.