Brother needs self apart from siblings

Dear Carolyn:

I’m a 17-year-old girl with two brothers, 13 and 10. My 13-year-old brother and I get along great, but I never seem to be able to connect with the youngest.

He is a tough little kid with a great personality but he has a temper, and when he gets bored he lashes out at either me or my brother. It is hard to be patient. I really do love my brother. How do I make this work? I don’t want him to grow to hate me.

– Older Sister

I’d be surprised if he grew to hate you. It does sound, though, as if he is already preoccupied with measuring himself relative to his siblings, instead of developing his sense of self from within.

Some of that is inevitable, especially among siblings, but deriving too much of his self-image from what his siblings do (or don’t do) creates external motivation. That can give rise to adult traits that will complicate his relationships with everyone, not just you.

Insecurity, for example, is a common result of external motivation; you rely so heavily on others for your identity that you’re consumed by what others think.

Blame is another common outcome. You base who you are on others, and so it’s only natural that you also blame them when something goes wrong.

Most of this is for your parents to address, and eventually for your brother himself to work through as he matures.

Still, your brother holds you in high regard, or he wouldn’t bother to provoke you. That means you can teach him a lot about himself just by your actions.

Since his fuse is a problem, get in the habit of saying, “Let’s talk when you cool off,” and stepping away calmly till he does.

And since the three-kid dynamic is a problem, make an effort to spend time with him one-on-one.

Find an interest of his you can share, and, without fuss, start feeding it. Show him he’s inherently worth your time.