Explain grandma’s illness to the kids

Dear Annie: My mother is bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies. My childhood was difficult. Days consisted of her drinking, gambling, being promiscuous and inviting homeless people to live with us. Mom would have conversations with herself for hours and roam the yard naked. She tore down walls and did things that made no sense, like gathering twigs to make gifts for people.

Mom’s condition has gotten worse over the years, and she can become physically violent. She is frequently taken by the police to the mental hospital, where doctors force her to take her meds. She then returns to normal society until she has another “spell.” This has gone on my entire life.

None of the family has the heart to put her in a permanent facility, because she still has moments of normalcy. As soon as I turned 18, I ran 2,000 miles away because I could no longer handle being around her. The family nearby continues to suffer tremendously, including my sister, who recently had a miscarriage. No doubt the stress was a factor.

I have a toddler and another child on the way. The last time Mom came out to visit, she completely lost it. She took off and was later found living by a river. What do I tell my children about their grandmother? Living with her was traumatic when I was a child, and I don’t want my children exposed to her. It terrifies me. Any advice? – No Signature

Dear No: When you were a child, you didn’t understand your mother’s illness, so naturally, it frightened you. You are more aware now and can explain it to your children so they can be sympathetic from a safe distance. You should never leave them alone with her, but they can certainly see their grandmother in short, supervised visits, with whatever restrictions you deem necessary for their emotional health. Contact NAMI (nami.org) at (800) 950-NAMI (800-950-6264) for suggestions and assistance.