April 26, 2011 in City

Sometimes I get gas pains just thinking about it

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These are giddy times for the oil industry and the telltale signs hover above every gas station.

Regular: Arm. Mid-Grade: Leg.

Premium: First-Born Child.

Ah, remember those innocent good old days?

You know, a couple years ago when everybody wanted to tar and feather President Bush after gasoline hit the $3-a-gallon mark.

Then along came Obama who promised us all change.

Too bad we didn’t realize that he was talking about gas changing to four bucks a gallon.

I tell you, the gas woes are so bad that even the criminals are suffering.

Take what happened Easter Sunday on Lake Coeur d’Alene.

A couple of bozos supposedly stole a 19-foot fishing boat from a slip.

Their joy cruise was short-lived. Kootenai County sheriff’s deputies found the fools bobbing in the water like a dead carp.

You guessed it – outta gas!

You know we’re in a crisis when the pirates can’t even fuel a proper getaway.

But when it comes to feeling the pain at the pump, nobody has been hit harder than yours truly.

Gas is getting so costly that I’m actually thinking about – gasp – scuttling my sacred Vista Guzzler.

I know. For years I’ve regaled you with tales about my cherry red 1967 Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser and the adventures we’ve gone on.

Hey, I’m planning on driving it in a Wallace parade soon.

But reason and economics are telling me that the wisest trip would be to drive it over the nearest cliff.

That’s because …

There are times when my wagon will manage maybe 10 miles to the gallon. Unfortunately, those are the times when I’m driving downhill and a hurricane is pushing my tail.

My Olds loves premium gas more than Donald Trump loves hairspray and ass kissing. Seriously. The V-8 engine doesn’t run right unless the octane number is similar to the speed of a Mariano Rivera fastball.

I have a confession to make. Some days I go to gas stations and don’t buy anything.

I just pull alongside a pump, get out and take hold of the nozzle. Then I insert the metal end into my fuel hole and try to shake out what few drops of gas the consumer before me might’ve missed.

It’s pathetic, I know.

I got the idea one day when I was in a restroom and this old guy was using the urinal next to me.

Aw, but who am I kidding? A Vista Cruiser can’t be run on shaken driblets. Eventually, you have to pony up and feed the beast.

I did just that Monday after lunch.

I drove into a filling station across the street from one of those payday loan shops. Fortunately, I still had a quarter of a tank so I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have to go over and fill out an application.

Premium was almost a penny over $4, which made me lightheaded. This marked my very first time of breaking the four-buck refueling barrier.

I began pumping. And pumping…

Finally the tank was full. I, on the other hand, was $59.25 lighter.

I muttered: “And that’s with the tank NOT EVEN EMPTY?”

Arrrghh. If things get any worse I swear I’m going to put on an eye patch and join the pirates.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.

Seven comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  mikeln on April 26 at 7:56 a.m.

  Remember bailing out those poor hedge funds a couple of years ago? Well, this is how they are paying us back. I guess it takes four dollor a gallon gas to see who really is running the peoples government.

• 

  Ninch on April 26 at 8:22 a.m.

  Hey..mikein… bailing out hedge funds has NOTHING to do with gas prices today. But what does is Obama going into Libya and further disrupting the Middle East political states… as well as the Obama administration holding up and even denying permits to drill American oil supplies.

  Natural gas prices are low right now and Obama should really be taking some very good advice from T. Boone Pickens to focus on that natural resource asset which pollutes very very little… but instead Obama has categorized natural gas as a green house gas (CO2 offender) because it is found with oil resources.

  Instead Obama has designated a new commission to weed out price-fixing and speculation. Well, price-fixing is illegal but is not prevalent at any level… This is a political ploy that also did not work for Jimmy Carter.

  As for “speculation”… Oil markets do exist and ALL people who invest in them are speculating. There is nothing illegal here, but be assured such investors are taking into account the energy policies of the Obama administration. Ergo high gas costs still come back around to Obama himself, even though he wants to blame others.

• 

  Spokanedude on April 26 at 9:08 a.m.

  So lets socialize the oil companies who are headquartered here in the US. I bet we get a whole new crowd that is on board with renewable energy sources then. We could probably pay off the national debt within a few years too. It’s a win-win.

• 

  ><(((*> on April 26 at 10:30 a.m.

  the last thing we should do is drill our own oil…we should use everyone else’s first. duh.

• 

  ManleyPointer on April 26 at 10:43 a.m.

  I don’t know why I let these people (‘let’s socialize the oil companies’) get to me. I really don’t. Anyone who thinks the answer to ANY problem is to involve the federal government ought to have his head examined. I don’t get it. It must make them feel good or something to offer the socialism solution, and because of their faith in the efficacy and beneficence of government (history and common sense notwithstanding), they think that turning something like this over to a bunch of self-interested political hacks and criminals will somehow solve the problem?!? Saints perserve me.

• 

  MrNatural on April 26 at 1:31 p.m.

  “Sometimes I get gas pains just thinking about it”

  …and sometimes you give gas pains just talking about it… :)

• 

  wheels on April 27 at 9:14 a.m.

  keep it up Doug,you’re great for my attitude and sense of humor.