Post-breakup romance too soon

Dear Carolyn: One of my best friends is interested in me, and I’m confused. I really like Friend, but I recently ended a relationship, and I’m not sure I’m ready to start dating again. Above everything else I don’t want to hurt Friend because I do care very deeply. I don’t know how to figure out what I want without leading Friend on, since I might realize it’s not what I want, and more heartbreak will ensue than if we just stayed in Friend-ville.

On the other hand, there’s a voice in the back of my head saying, “What if Friend is right for me?” and it’s hard to ignore, because we are good friends for a reason: We’re very compatible. The result? Total paralysis. – Friend-ville’s not so bad

In your case, I guess, total paralysis isn’t so bad – but only because it’s the logical middle ground between overruling your heart and overruling your judgment, neither of which tends to end well. Your recent breakup is a solid reason to hold back; churned-up emotions take time to settle back down.

The risk of hurt feelings, however, is not a worthy deterrent. If you show an interest in Friend only to change your mind, then, yes, that will hurt him/her, obviously a bad thing … and if you never show any romantic interest, that will hurt Friend, too, in a different way.

Since it’s not possible to guarantee that no one will ever get hurt, the only safeguard you can offer is that you won’t be reckless with or selfish about someone’s feelings for you.

You’ve already shown that kind of consideration for your friend just in wrestling with what to do. So, if you find yourself emotionally ready for a new relationship and still harboring these romantic suspicions about your friend, I could argue that exploring your interest – slowly – is exactly what a good friend would do.