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Clark: Can’t wait for the nuptials? Test your royal intelligence

We Americans just can’t get enough about the impending matrimonial union of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

So to help feed your upper crust cravings, I have prepared a quiz designed to test your royal knowledge.

Answer the following questions. We’ll do the scoring at the end of the exam.

1. Although the royal wedding is being broadcast here in the wee hours Friday, I plan to watch every second of it because …

A. It’s the social event of the century. (1 crown jewel.)

B. It’s a fairytale love story of Disney proportion. (3 crown jewels.)

C. I’m a sap and have no life. (5 crown jewels.)

2. The Queen of England is …

A. Britain’s symbolic figurehead. (1 crown jewel.)

B. Prince William’s grandmother. (3 crown jewels.)

C. Elton John. (5 crown jewels.)

3. If Spokane were ruled by a monarchy, our most notable royal would be …

A. Mary, Queen of Potholes. (1 crown jewel.)

B. Lord Apple. (3 crown jewels.)

C. The Dupe of Shogan. (5 crown jewels.)

4. Queen Elizabeth is looking more ageless than ever thanks to …

A. The royal nutritionist. (1 crown jewel.)

B. The royal medical adviser. (3 crown jewels.)

C. The royal taxidermist. (5 crown jewels.)

5. Prior to the proposal, Prince William’s handlers insisted that his bride …

A. Take a six-week course on bowing. (1 crown jewel.)

B. Pass a table manners exam. (3 crown jewels.)

C. Sign a prenup containing a Henry VIII “off with her bloody head” divorce clause. (5 crown jewels.)

6. The English people are transfixed with Kate Middleton because …

A. She’s drop-dead gorgeous. (1 crown jewel.)

B. She, too, is a commoner! (3 crown jewels.)

C. She has such uncommonly straight teeth for an English girl. (5 crown jewels.)

7. Before galloping off on a fox hunt, Prince Charles makes sure to …

A. Load the royal shotgun. (1 crown jewel.)

B. Unleash the royal hounds. (3 crown jewels.)

C. Cinch the saddle on Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. (5 crown jewels.)

8. Worried about his rapidly retreating hair, Prince William has been …

A. Applying Rogaine by the bucket. (1 crown jewel.)

B. Considering a transplant. (3 crown jewels.)

C. Consulting Sir Donald Trump. (5 crown jewels.)

9. Which two words best describe the royal family?

A. Lavish luxury. (1 crown jewel.)

B. Power, privilege. (3 crown jewels.)

C. Pampered parasites. (5 crown jewels.)

10. Prince Harry was made “best man” in the royal wedding …

A. As a loving gesture from his brother, Prince William. (1 crown jewel.)

B. To help dispel Harry’s image as England’s “Playboy Prince.” (3 crown jewels.)

C. Because Prince Harry threatened to tell the world who his real daddy is. (5 crown jewels)

All right, let’s see how you did.

A score of 16 crown jewels or fewer tells me you are a hopeless romantic who believes in pixie dust, magic beans and that red light cameras are about Spokane safety and not generating revenue.

Amassing 16 to 30 crown jewels suggests that you are on your way to becoming a rational, clear-headed American who hasn’t forgotten why we broke away from the ridiculous and degrading concept of monarchy.

A perfect score of 50 crown jewels means you are a loyal subject, which makes me feel like a king.

Doug Clark can be reached at