Carolyn Hax: Relationship rides on battle chosen

Hi, Carolyn: My younger sister, who is my closest friend within the family, or so I thought, is getting married. She and her fiance are planning (and paying for) a big fancy wedding in a famous and spectacular location.

The problem? Nobody in my family is being asked to participate. In fact, I have been asked NOT to give a toast (as have all other guests). My sister and her fiance, both about 40, have decided to walk down the aisle together. My father is being completely excluded.

The thing is, the groom’s family IS participating in the ceremony. His sister has been asked to read TWO poems. When I suggested that my father read a poem, my sister said the groom’s father might feel left out. And how about me? The groom’s sister is being included in the ceremony, and I – whom my sister has called her best friend – have been totally left out.

I have always included my sister, and she is very close to and loving toward my small children. She has only four friends coming, all from college. Her other dear friends have all walked out on her in the past 20 years because she doesn’t give of herself. She just takes and takes, and then when she has the opportunity to reciprocate a little bit, she recoils. This is what she is doing in this wedding by leaving out my parents and me.

But what is really irking me is this will cost me approximately $5,000 in travel, hotel expenses and food – all to be left out in front of everyone.

I suspect the groom is a bully, trying to isolate her from me. My husband, who likes the groom a lot, has recently remarked that he is a control freak and that it seems odd he won’t let my sister visit us without him. But my sister also doesn’t like to extend herself to people, as I wrote.

What do I do about the wedding and the cost of it? I can’t believe I have to pay a huge bill only to get humiliated in front of everyone, along with my dad. It seems like this is a signal that I’m to be excluded, or at least mostly excluded, from my sister’s life from now on. – Splashy but cold

Here are the concerns you raise: your and your family’s public exclusion/humiliation, costs, your sister’s “taker” tendencies and growing isolation, the possibly controlling groom, your diminished role in your sister’s life.

The order of those concerns isn’t random; I’ve listed them in descending order of the number of times you raise them. If repetition is emphasis, you are very, very concerned about looking bad in front of the other wedding guests. It’s your No. 1 complaint by far. The money is “really irking” you, too.

But the possibility you’re losing your sister to isolation and control is, judging by the weight you give it, a blip.

Sure, yes, the wedding sounds over the top – but the Great Toast Embargo of 2011 applies to everyone, not just your family. And, 40-year-olds walking themselves down the aisle is a breath of fresh air to me.

Please ask yourself what source of wedding-related distress actually deserves your attention, and approach your sister solely about that. While you’re at it, also ask yourself exactly how close you are (and hope to be) to this sister, who has called you her best friend and been, apparently, quite giving of herself with your kids. Your relationship is riding on the battle you choose here. Maybe she needs you to care more about her right now, and less about where you fit in.