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The Slice: The Rise of the Marmots?

A certain cinematic flight of fancy has raised concerns in our community.

So it falls to me as Grand Exalted Poobah of the Marmot Lodge to address a few frequently asked questions.

Q: What if something like “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” happens here only this time it’s marmots taking over?

A: That is extremely unlikely. I suspect marmots just want to be left alone.

Q: Are you saying marmots do not resent humans?

A: No, they probably do. Wouldn’t you if someone bulldozed your homes to make way for McMansions and strip malls?

Q: If it comes down to Us vs. Them, will Spokane’s humankind be able to rely on the loyalty of Marmot Lodge members or should we be thinking of you as card-carrying marmotists?

A: I think you should take a couple of aspirin and lie down.

Q: If “Rise of the Planet of the Marmots” becomes reality, will you be able to negotiate with the rodent king?

A: Probably not. I suspect he would have a “Take no prisoners” policy.

Q: So there wouldn’t be any place at all for humans in an advanced marmotian society?

A: Well, they might want some help understanding the link between religion and wars and maybe a few lessons in making risk public while privatizing profit when rigging derivatives markets. You know, some of our specialties.

Q: Will there still be Pig Out in the Park if marmots take over Spokane?

A: Yes, but the name will be changed to something that doesn’t insult animals.

Q: Would marmot rule have implications for college football?

A: Possibly, but you have to figure WSU is going to win about the same number of games whether there is a season or not.

Q: Would The Spokesman-Review continue to publish?

A: Yes, but the name would be changed to The Spokesmarmot-Review and the Outdoors page would have a radically different focus.

Q: If, after years of carnage and terror, Spokane’s human population was reduced to a handful of hardly survivors, what would be their first order of business?

A: Arguing about whether bicyclists pay taxes.

Today’s Slice question: Do grandmothers run Spokane?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email Check out The Slice Blog at Now accepting fish hook stories.

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