August 13, 2011 in Features

The Slice: Seasonal population control paying off

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Karen Valandra praised the summer of 2011, saying “I wish it was like this all of the time.”

Her husband responded by suggesting that if such were the case, 3 million people would live here.

OK, she acknowledged, seasons are good. Winter serves a purpose.

But what would the Spokane area be like if that really was our population?

A) Downtown would be taller. B) Traffic and cursing would increase. C) Spokane natives would adopt a secret handshake. D) Traditional Spokane folkways such as raking leaves into the street and the reluctance to pay for parking would be obliterated.

E) An NHL team in the Southeast would relocate here. F) We would have either far greater waste treatment capacity or the Spokane River would be a lumbering fecal sludge. G) Police officers from California would find someplace else to retire. H) Even bike riders would talk about the good old days.

I) The only marmots left would be a small band led by a rodent named John Connor. J) The I-90 corridor would be hyper-developed. K) People accustomed to being given a pass on casual expressions of bigotry would find themselves on the defensive. L) Our parks would become dog latrines.

M) There would be more of everything except room to maneuver. N) Many restaurants you’ve never heard of. O) Voting patterns would be more like the West Side and less like Oklahoma. P) A fair number of people who now regard themselves as big fish would seem to disappear from view.

Q) Spokane International Airport would have to start taking steroids. R) More A-list concerts, but tickets would be harder to come by. S) Your doctor would move her office to a sprawling medical complex in Spangle. T) The Magic Lantern would thrive.

U) Mead and Mt. Spokane would be considered inner-city high schools. V) Many would make big money selling their lake property. W) Some would regret selling their lake property. X) You’d eventually stop recognizing people in grocery stores.

Y) On Spokane TV news, “Breaking News” would mean a murder had been discovered. Z) Other.

Today’s Slice question: What physical changes do you experience when visiting a place that has high humidity?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Check out The Slice Blog at www.spokesman.com. Labor Day weekend is just three weeks away.


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