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Doug Clark: I can envision Spokane better than they can

Sun., Aug. 14, 2011

Like a recurring outbreak of motel bedbugs, Dimvision Spokane has come crawling back to bite us all in the you-know-where.

Ah, remember Dimvision Spokane?

This is the small group of smug and unrelenting busybodies who won’t rest until everybody sees things their way.

Two years ago, the Dimvisionistas tried to con Spokane into adopting their cockamamie “bill of rights,” which, if added to the municipal charter, would bankrupt the city in three weeks.

Flop 4, I believe it was called.

Anyway, the measure included multiple hallucinations like guaranteeing the environment’s right to flourish and exist and be entertained with puppet shows.

But in an uncommon display of common sense, Spokane voters rejected Flop 4 worse than Sandra Bullock dumped that cheatin’ dog, Jesse James.

And that, we all assumed, was that.

Not so, as it turns out.

Despite this traumatic beat-down, Dimvision Spokane regrouped and has cooked up a supposedly new-and-improved batch of kitchen meth craziness for voters to rebuke in the November general election.

Will the cosmic coincidences never cease?

I have hatched another list of Clarkian Mandates that – if accepted – will make our Spokane finer than anything these Dimvision dimwits could dream up.

Such as …

1. Every downtown Spokane shopper shall have the inalienable right to crumple and throw away up to three parking tickets per year.

2. “Uh, I Dunno, What Do You Wanna Do?” will replace “Near Nature/Near Perfect” as the official Spokane catchphrase.

3. In the unlikely event he is elected to another office, Dennis Hession shall not be allowed to wear that old dark undertaker’s suit he always wore while posing as mayor.

4. Spokane’s TV meteorologists shall be fined $50 for each annoying use of the words “weatherwise” and “white stuff.”

5. Work on the north/south freeway shall cease and be immediately diverted to the construction of a drive-through burger lane at Dick’s.

6. Ownership and use of the name “Spokane Shock” shall transfer from our arena football team to the official term for our Taser-happy cops.

7. Velvet-toned public radio announcer Verne Windham shall be named the “Official Voice” of Spokane.

8. Jaywalking shall no longer be considered a citable misdemeanor, but a way of life.

9. For purposes of continuing entertainment and column fodder, Joe Shogan shall be given a life sentence as Spokane City Council president.

10. All Dimvision Spokane members shall be rounded up at the earliest convenience and relocated to Chewelah.

(Think you can come up with some ways to make Spokane even better? Submit your best pipe dreams to me via the information below. Be sure to include your name and phone number. Top five entrants will be rewarded with fabulous prizes.)

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.


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