August 23, 2011 in City

Zap ’em and trap ’em: It’s yellow jacket war

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Latest in a seemingly never-ending series on nature’s attempt to murder me.

As I write these words I am trying to ignore a red, itchy welt on my left wrist.

Itchy tells only part of the story. There is burning, too, as if some fiend were intermittently jabbing the center of the welt with the business end of a flame-heated needle.

This has been driving me crazy since the other night, when I was attacked while sitting on my deck by the al-Qaida of the insect world …

The yellow jacket.

Third time I’ve been nailed this summer.

A couple of weeks ago one of the tiny terrorists chomped me twice just above my right collarbone. The area swelled into a conjoined scarlet mass that looked either like an unborn twin or a hickey from Jeffrey Dahmer.

If this were a movie I’d call it “Full Yellow Jacket.”

That’s right. It’s war.

Am I the only one to notice that something quite evil is going on?

This appears to be the worst summer ever for yellow jacket nastiness.

In an effort to find out I dialed Washington State University’s Spokane County Extension office. Unfortunately, my call wasn’t very productive.

The extension folks don’t seem to take me seriously anymore.

My lack of credibility may come from too many previous calls about invading box elder bugs, home-wrecking woodpeckers and the ant army that was conducting field exercises in my den.

I’m pretty sure something like the following dialogue now goes on whenever my phone number pops up on the extension office caller ID.

EXTENSION AGENT 1 – “Oh, no. It’s that Clark bozo again.”

EXTENSION AGENT 2 – “Gawd. Whaddaya think’s bugging him this week?”

EXTENSION AGENT 1 – “Maybe he’s got crabs.”

EXTENSION AGENT 2 – “Wouldn’t be surprised. Well, who’s gonna take the call?”

EXTENSION AGENT 1 – “Rock, paper, scissors?”

EXTENSION AGENT 2 – “Naw. Let’s just give him to the new guy.”

Maybe I’m imagining things. But Doug Malott, who finally answered the phone, said he’d only been a Master Gardener since last year.

Most of what he told me I already knew: that yellow jackets are meaner when it’s hot and dry, that they tend to build their homes in the ground and, hey, why don’t I go check my yard for nests.

It’s not as if I’ve been complacent.

Some weeks ago I hung up one of those hot green yellow jacket traps that are made by Rescue. The thing worked for awhile, but lately the yellow jackets seem to be avoiding it.

“I’m afraid I trapped the dumb ones,” I told Malott. “Now the smart ones are out to get even.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” he said.

Master Gardener, my fanny.

Good news, Spokane. Did you know that Rescue yellow jacket traps are made right here?

Sure enough. They are the creation of Rod Schneidmiller, who in 1982 set about trying to come up with a better flytrap.

Schneidmiller’s efforts, however, led him to something far better: yellow jacket death tubes.

We should build a statue in his honor.

According to Rescue spokeswoman Stephanie Cates, the corporation is also trying to eradicate stink bugs, which are not only common to the Spokane City Council, but a serious nuisance all over the Eastern United States.

Cates, the company’s director of marketing and communications, gave me a sympathetic ear as I unloaded my yellow jacket travails.

She made me realize that my Rescue trap probably needed a fresh squirt of the attractant that lures yellow jackets to their doom.

(The stuff I bought apparently works only a couple of weeks, which means I’m way overdue.)

“Our R&D people are actually seeking active yellow jacket nests to collect the insects for testing,” Cates added.

Anyone who finds one in Spokane area can contact her office at (509) 926-6766.

The Rescue products are just Phase One in my yellow jacket jihad.

Phase Two is my trusty battery-powered bug zapper.

While patrolling my kitchen Monday I electrocuted five yellow jackets thanks to this wonderfully diabolical device.

( I actually own two of them, regular and glow-in-the-dark.)

If you don’t have a bug zapper you’re not doing your part to help the war effort. Electro-swatters are cheap and sold in most sporting goods outlets, hardware stores and S&M supply shops.

The bug zapper resembles a mini tennis racquet only with horizontal metal wires instead of strings.

Install two AA batteries and it’s time to rock. Pushing the two trigger buttons simultaneously will electrify the wires enough to deliver a lethal shock to most creepy crawlies.

This is so much more satisfying than spraying poison out of a can.

Plus the electro-swatters are fun for fraternity hazing ceremonies.

But getting back to bugs. I always put on a robe and pretend to give the yellow jackets a fair trial before pronouncing them guilty and sentencing them to die.

Haw! Just like Texas.

These yellow jackets are plenty tough customers, though.

One of them actually crawled back to life after being sparked.

I took pity on the hapless creature for a moment.

And then juiced it again.

“No governor’s pardon for you, pal!”

Ah. I love the smell of smoldering yellow jackets in the morning.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

Eight comments on this story so far. Add yours!

• 

  Albert on August 23 at 7:11 a.m.

  Clark, this is not funny and a super problem at our home as well. These “tubes” at this time of the year need to be filled with chicken fat and/or skins. Seriously. My research on this mess reveals that at this time of the year, the liquid attractant is no longer effective because these guys become carnivorous in their feeding habits. If you are like us and have fur trees that excrete sap, then attract aphids, who in turn become victims of yellow jackets who swarm the trees… You then become bait like the aphids. Seriously, I have 3 of these tube traps in the fir trees and must empty them every morning. They are filled to capacity, however we use chicken as noted. Hope this helps? Kindest, Al

• 

  mikeln on August 23 at 7:54 a.m.

  My son ran into thier buddies, the black faced hornet. While moving a water tank he disturbed thier hive and within seconds had about a hundred of the mean little guys after him. Good thing he has long legs, only got hit once. Took three sprayings to knock that nest down and a couple of stings myself.

• 

  de3 on August 23 at 8:56 a.m.

  My experience this summer too - stung 3 times so far. Very aggressive yellow jackets, too.

• 

  Jimmy on August 23 at 9:22 a.m.

  Was this column an ad for Rescue?

• 

  brentandrews on August 23 at 2:28 p.m.

  No it was a secret message about the jihad.

• 

  brentandrews on August 23 at 2:29 p.m.

  Was the Doug Clark retirement column a joke, or what? If so I want my resume back.

  Maybe he’s just back by popular demand.

• 

  Bullshapitsca on August 23 at 2:41 p.m.

  Fill a good quality spray bottle about a quarter full with dish soap, fill rest of bottle with water. Spray bees, wasps, and all other insects, flying, crawling, or otherwise to quickly exterminate. Strong soapy water will stop anything flying instantly. This works very well, it’s cheap and not hazzardous to anything but the insect you are targeting.

  Cut 3 or 4 half inch triangles (pointing up) near the top of a 2 liter soda bottle. Add about an inch and a half sugar water and hang bottle as you would a bee trap. Discard full bottle as needed. Or, better yet, just ignore them they are not interested in eating you and will leave when they figure out you aren’t food.

  Try this folks, I have spent a dollar a year for 30 years for bug spray with this method.

• 

  MrNatural on August 23 at 2:58 p.m.

  Yeller Jackets are bad and will get worse as summer-fall approach…keep traps as far away from patios, porches and people. I place one trap at N,E,S,W sides of my property and depending on the one that fills first then I move the others toward that direction. If you observe them feeding (can of tuna works great or cat food) you can observe the direction they are coming from and possibly track down the nest. If you find it and decide to eliminate it observe it for awhile to see the entrance(s) and spray them only at night or very early morning.
  Typically they will be found in old junk, rock or wood piles or under well established arborvitae or juniper shrubs.
  Oh and Doug…quit dousing yer self in Axe for sweaty old farts and they will quit chasin ya :)