December 19, 2011 in Features

Mr. Dad: Gather info before panicking

Armin Brott
 

Dear Mr. Dad: I was changing my 2-year-old daughter’s diaper after she’d come home from spending the day with her father (he and I are not together.) She was touching herself and I told her to stop because her hands were dirty. She then said that “daddy touches me here.” I am completely freaking out. Why would he do something like that to her? Should I call the police?

A: Ordinarily, I’d suggest erring on the side of caution and immediately making the call to the authorities. But before you pick up the phone, you need to be absolutely sure you know exactly what’s going on.

Taking your daughter to the emergency room for a cough that turns out to be nothing more than a cold may cost you a few extra co-pay dollars and leave you feeling a little embarrassed.

But making a child abuse report for something that that turns out to be a misunderstanding is completely different.

Many family law attorneys call a child abuse accusation the nuclear bomb of divorce cases and with good reason: Once you start the process there is no going back. Ever.

I’ve done a lot of research and writing on accusations of child abuse, and I’ve seen too many cases where unfounded (and sometimes deliberately false) accusations have completely destroyed the lives of the accused.

As you know, diaper changing involves touching a child in a way that in any other circumstance would be completely inappropriate.

And while no one wants to believe that a child would lie about something as serious as abuse, the fact is that you’re dealing with a 2-year-old. Kids that age still have trouble differentiating fact from fiction and are notoriously unreliable witnesses.

So what should you do? Start with checking in with your gut. Do you honestly have any reason to believe that your daughter’s father would abuse her? The answer is probably no. But don’t leave it at that.

If you have a good relationship with your ex, ask him if he’s noticed anything different about your daughter, whether she’s behaving oddly or saying strange things while she’s with him. If he hasn’t, tell him what your daughter said. But choose your words carefully. Your goal here is to gather information. Coming out and accusing him is a guaranteed conversation stopper.

Although it’s tempting, try not to ask your daughter any more about this. Toddlers have an uncanny ability to read our expressions and will adapt what they say to what they think we want to hear – even if it’s completely made up.

So wait a little and see whether she brings it up again without any prompting.

I’m not trying to minimize your fears – just hearing your story makes me wince. I just want you to be absolutely sure before you pick up that phone.

Find resources for fathers at www.mrdad.com


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