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Annie’s Mailbox: He wishes she would initiate sex

Tue., Dec. 20, 2011

Dear Annie: You frequently print letters from husbands whose wives show no interest in sex, but I’ve never seen a problem like mine. My wife loves sex. However, she will never initiate it or act seductively. If I don’t initiate, it doesn’t happen. We can go for weeks without it. Yet when we are intimate, she adores it.

In addition, my wife never does anything that might provoke arousal, including kissing. No goodnight kiss, no kiss of greeting when we’ve been apart, no spooning in bed before falling asleep. It’s like we’re roommates.

I’m not some unappreciative husband of an overworked wife. We have identical jobs and work hours.

I’m in excellent shape, and she claims our sex is amazing. Many times, I’ve explained that I’m hurt that she doesn’t find me sexually appealing. We’ve argued about this for 30 years, and she always promises to change, but it never happens. We’ve tried all kinds of marital aids and videos, but nothing helps. Every night, she watches TV, crawls into bed and goes to sleep.

Am I wrong to think that a mutually rewarding, romantic, physical relationship needs to be more of a partnership? Is it wrong that I need to believe she is sexually attracted to me? – Unhappy Husband

Dear Unhappy: There could be different reasons for your wife’s behavior. She may have some deep-seated hang-ups about women behaving seductively or initiating sex. She may not be all that interested, but enjoys it once you get started. Or she may be putting on a performance for your benefit.

After 30 years, we are going to assume your wife is in menopause and whatever chance you may have had to interest her has diminished substantially. This has nothing to do with finding you sexually attractive. Her libido simply isn’t up to it anymore. If she enjoys sex once you get started, please don’t focus on who makes the first move.

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