Easing fears about donating body to science

Q: My wife wants to donate her body to the science department at the local university. Am I selfish to object? How do we know what will really happen to her remains?

A: You are not being selfish, you are being honest about how you feel right now about your wife’s generous gesture, but you need to discuss this at length with your wife.

If you have a Dr. Frankenstein vision of what happens to donated bodies, you should visit together the university your wife has selected for her donation. The visit may relieve your fears.

David Conley is the willed-body program director at Washington State University. He attends national meetings with his counterparts throughout the country. He said universities who accept donated bodies abide by strict standards of ethics and etiquette.

His students are briefed on cadaver protocol before stepping into the lab, for instance.

“I tell the students these are genuine, caring people who wanted their bodies used to the most extent,” Conley said. “Instead of writing a check out to the university, they’ve given their body, and it’s like a scholarship.”

Strict lab rules protect the donor’s dignity. Faces are covered. No cameras or cellphones are permitted in the lab. Nor are visitors, without permission. And the doors are locked with pass codes to prevent trespassing.

At the end of the semester, students often gather for a small ceremony where they express thanks for the use of the donated body; some even write thank-you notes to the family.

The donated bodies can also serve a deeper function for the students. It’s often the first time they have seen a dead person, and the experience puts them face to face with their own mortality.

Your wife’s remains will eventually be cremated, at the university’s expense, and returned to you when no longer needed in the lab.

Conley also pointed out that your wife’s wish, even after she has filled out all the paperwork, does not constitute a binding agreement. Universities reserve the right to turn down a donation, often because the body is too compromised to use in the lab. But sometimes a family dispute about the donation is reason enough to turn down the offer, Conley said.

That is why it’s so important for you and your wife to figure this out now. If left unresolved, your ambivalence will exacerbate your grief if your wife dies before you.

Q: I have been asked to officiate at the memorial service of a good friend. He was raised Catholic, married in the church, was spiritual, but not going to church any longer. How do I pick the appropriate readings for the service?

A: Selecting readings can be tricky business.

One word of advice: Do not attempt to explain or justify your friend’s death with readings that say “he is just away” or “God wanted another hero in heaven.” These words are not comforting and can be offensive. Death is mysterious and we can never explain the reason — no matter how poetic the words.

Instead, seek readings that reflect your friend’s life. Explore non-traditional sources: poetry, letters, stories, song lyrics, phrases from literature and even your own or another’s writing — such as a grandchild’s story about grandpa. The children of a North Dakota farm boy who made it rich read excerpts from Carl Sandburg’s poem “Prairie” at the man’s funeral to honor his humble beginnings. Find connections through literature.

What was most important and characteristic about your friend? His love for family, his heart of service and a fanatical love of baseball may summarize his life. Seek readings that illustrate his passions.

You may not have to look far to find a reading that exemplifies his love for his family. Does anyone have a letter he wrote to them? Ask. Did he have a favorite expression or phrase? “I love you to the moon and back” may encourage you to seek a poem about the moon. When Catherine Johnston officiated at the memorial service of a young man who died only three months after his wedding, she used love letters sent between him and his wife as the readings for the service.

You can use texts from the Bible or another spiritual document that are still applicable out of their historical, cultural, theological context. “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” comes from the Gospel of John, but the words may perfectly describe someone who — while not explicitly religious — devoted his life to serving others.

Another popular verse is from 2 Timothy: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

If you cannot find readings that seem appropriate, don’t compromise. Search the Internet, ask a librarian, call a college English department.

Involve other people. You never know where wisdom will come from.